These are not absolute rules; there have been exceptions, and almost certainly will be again. And it’s not comprehensive, either. I’ll likely think of three or four more “genres” I tend to avoid, while driving to work today. But it’s a start, and I hope you guys will jump in and take up my slack at the end.
So, let’s get to it… These are the types of movies and TV shows which automatically cause deep skepticism, and trigger a frown in my soul.
Swords and Dwarves
Anything to do with swords (SHING!), dwarves wearing animal pelts, and cruel fat men drinking from a jewel-encrusted chalice is out. With extreme prejudice. This includes Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, and Game of Thrones. There is not a single molecule in my enormous body that is drawn to it. Is it “fantasy?” Is that the official genre? Whatever you call it, I’m not interested. You beanbag chair masturbating unicorn highwater plushy neck-beard gamer nerds.
Outer Space
I don’t mind movies where creatures from outer space come to Earth, and regular people are forced to deal with them in some way. But I’m not generally a fan of the ones set in outer space. It often gets into mythology and grandiose themes, and veers mighty close to Swords and Dwarves territory. This includes the Star Wars movies. After the first one, it’s all bullshit, anyway. And the first one ain’t all that great. I know it’s a hard thing to admit, but true. Give me Hooper, any day.
Disabilities
You can file a lawsuit if you’d like, but I don’t like watching people overcome physical and mental disabilities. Oh, it’s good that it happens, don’t get me wrong. But for entertainment purposes, on a Friday night? I think not. And I especially don’t enjoy watching shows designed to shame us into being more understanding and sensitive to such things. Or, more precisely: feel anger that others don’t care more. Because the folks who watch such films are ALREADY perfect beings. Right?
High-horse
If there’s even a hint of preachy, I’m out. I won’t be lectured by smug Malibu pricks angling for a Golden Globe. We get it. Slavery, racism, AIDS, heartless corporations, homophobia, bullying, and war are all bad, very bad. And we understand that the 45 unnecessary and boring minutes you let remain in your movie automatically renders it “important.” But I’ll be home watching House Hunters International, thank you very much. Go fuck yourself.
Too Long
If a story can’t be told in two hours, it’s not a story worth telling. A person shouldn’t have to wear a diaper or cath their peehole before entering a theater, because they’re going to be held hostage for the next 187 minutes. Sheesh. Take your self-indulgent shitball back to the editing bay, and try to make something that’s actually fun to watch, artist-boy.
Art House
I’ve dated women who were partial to the artsy-fartsy, and saw many such films. A few were surprisingly interesting, but most made me want to fashion a dagger from a popcorn box, and plunge it into my neck. I recall one, in particular, that featured what felt like ten minutes of a fat laughing woman in a tree, dropping rose petals and continuing to laugh, for a long, long time. WTF?? I learned later this “signified” something. You know, in the lobby… from skinny dudes wearing expensive frames, pontificating in knowing tones. And I had to rush home, shotgun five or six Rolling Rocks, and watch Cabin Boy, just to get my soul re-calibrated.
Unnecessary Remakes
Here’s the pitch: Petticoat Junction, right? But it’s not your grandfather’s Petticoat Junction. No, Uncle Joe, for instance, will be a decidedly darker character, with lecherous overtones. You know when the girls go swimming in the Cannonball water? Ol’ Joe is always watching, popping Cialis and spanking it furiously. The girls themselves are not nearly as innocent either, and Kate, the matriarch, has a terrifying cig and bourbon voice, and is running the Hooterville crime syndicate, shaking down Drucker and others. Heh. Actually, I’d watch that one… But straight-up remakes of shitty movies and shows from the 1970s? Or even worse: great movies like Psycho, that can’t be improved? I’ll pass. It’s fashionable to blame “out of ideas” creators — like writers and directors — but this happens because of commerce. It’s easier for studios to recoup their money if a movie already has a recognizable brand, even before one minute of film has been shot. But who loses in this gambit? All of us!
Like I say, I’ll surely come up with other questionable “genres,” but this is a good starting point. You guys can take it from here.
And I’ll see you again soon.
Have a great day!
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FYI — I’m working a new schedule at work, and it’s been kicking my ass a bit. Sorry I’ve gotten slightly off-track here, but I’ll adapt in short order. I’ll try to post a super-secret update for the VIPs on Saturday. In the meantime, enjoy this craziness. -Jeff
Thank you so much! My Friday had taken a decidedly shitty turn, but all was well when I read the line about bean bag masturbators. Seriously, I love you.
I avoid anything serious, which means I gravitate toward movies that are completely fanciful in some way (mostly swords and dwarves, outer space and comedy). That’s why the Oscar nominee list is always 99.9% movies I haven’t seen.
This is me too, in a nutshell. A bloody great nutshell.
I will also avoid anything set in the Middle Ages, or in middle Earth. That would include Harry Potter, Game of Thrones, the Hobbit. I’m firmly reality-based.
Anything that involves a ghost or other supernatural being is also on the No Watch List.
I won’t watch anything with Leonardo DiCaprio in it. Something about that person just bugs the hell out of me. Is it me, or does he just look smug?
His face is too small for his head.
I’m one of these that doesn’t have a TV. I’m not really a tree hugger or anything, it’s just one day I was like “you know what? IDGAF.” I get movies on Netflix. I can watch TV shows on Netflix as well.
Ouch. You wound me, sir. This one hurts.
“beanbag chair masturbating unicorn highwater plushy neck-beard gamer nerds.”? I’ll have you know I have neither a beanbag chair nor a neck beard, thank you very much.
No game of thrones, no Star Trek? No thanks.
The rest, I’m right with you.
Horror movies are also out. After one of those I can’t go into my basement for a month.
Vampires and werewolves and zombies. Why did all that become a thing?
Any movie using CGI or any green screen is off my list. I’m not opposed to action, but if you can’t portray it with real actors, real locations and real props you won’t get my dough or time. It’s more difficult to tell a story with a tight script and fine direction and acting than it is with computer imaging, but films are supposed to be art, and good art is difficult to create.
Also, I’m not wild about animation. The last animated show with integrity that comes to mind is How the Grinch Stole Christmas (the 1966 version, not the Ron Howard piece of shit), but there might have been one or two in the intervening years that were worthwhile.
In the last two decades, good TV has overtaken movies in offering quality entertainment. Shows like Homicide: Life on the Street, The Larry Sanders Show, Sports Night, Slings and Arrows, and The Wire have offered the kind of quality that used to be available only at the local movie house.
I guess like Jeff’s update this sounds a little “get off my lawn”; actually, you’re entirely welcome on my lawn any old time as long as it’s you and not some computer generated image.
John
I’m with you John and the overuse of CGI. Now they use CGI and shake the camera to make the action more real?!! Get real!
PS. I almost barfed watching Avatar in the theater.
My goodness, this is hilarious stuff. Mr. Kay is a funny man
Over-the top CGI stunt movies, such as the Mission Impossible movies. Watched about 15 minutes of one of them and was so annoyed by the ridiculously fantastic maneuvers that I couldn’t stand to watch any more of it.
On TV? Reality television. Dancing with the Celebrity Singing Chefs etc. Why anyone wants to watch coffee store workers do bad karaoke is a mystery to me.
Can’t watch Ben Afleck – and it’s too bad he’s such a tool, because I believe Argo may actually be a good movie – but I’ll never know.
Also, anything spun-off from an SNL skit, except for Wayne’s World (the first).
I watched Gone Girl (quite good) during the week, and Ben Affleck was in it, not acting, stuff was happening to Ben Affleck. Doogie Howser was there too.
consider yourself lucky to have missed Argo. The only thing good about it was Alan Arkin.
I agree with most of Jeff’s rules. I also don’t like movies in which the producer or director also stars. I’m talking about Kevin Costner. He gives himself so much screen time that the movies have to be 3 hours long. Every little nuance of his expressions and reactions have to be captured on film. zzzzzzzz.
Amen!
I love movies and don’t have a lot of anti-criteria except for big budget action crap like Transformers and Godzilla and none of that rom-com garbage. I also don’t like anything too rapey or torturey. That stuff sticks with me for way too long to endure as “entertainment.”
Sci-fi set in outer space, fantasy, art house and preachy documentaries: I love them all.
I have zero interest in Fast & Furious type movies. I’m all for shit blowing up on screen, but I’ll take a bit of actual storyline with my explosions, thank you. I’ve also never gone willingly to a horror film. Nope, I just don’t understand the attraction.
Outland.
Anything with tom cruise in it. I won’t even watch rain man anymore.
Anything where humans live with wild animals. Born Free made me bawl for weeks, especially when Elsa showed up all banged up.
Never had any idea what any girl would see in Tom C. yuck..
I won’t watch animal shows unless I think there will be a happy ending, Won’t even try animal ER.
Madz,
My father made a pronouncement that we could never watch Born Free again after he came home to 3
Girls sobbing.
I am also Tom Cruise-averse.
Better than Casablanca? Seems unlikely. Better than The Thin Man? Impossible. But this has been my favorite movie since it was released in 1998. I suppose I’ll eventually come to my senses, but not yet. . .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZLdZtOVE50
John
God bless you Jeff Kay for bringing up “Cabin Boy.”
I don’t do high horse movies or television and refuse to watch computer generated “cartoons”.
I like hand drawn 2-D cartoons including more modern ones like SpongeBob. Patrick Star is one of the greatest cartoon characters of all time and Bill Fagerbakke is great voicing him.
Remakes of movies that aren’t that old. Red Dawn? That remake was in the works for years. Why? It didn’t have to happen. Then the new one was so watered down and pc that it was just lame. Swayze all day every day.
Ps. Written while shitting at work.
Bravo!
I was going to say I don’t care for horror movies, but then I remembered what a masterpiece The Shining was. I also have no problem with outer space.
But the thing is that any movie can be great (rare) or shitty (common) regardless of its genre. Having said that, I will not watch a film that is based on comic book superheroes. I used to be a big fan of such things… when I was 10.
.
One exclusion to the too long film would have to be Martin Scorsese. I dont think he could have dine raging bull or goodfellas under 2 hours.
Apollo 13.
Any movie where you know the ending going in. I’ll see your A13 and raise a Titanic.
When We Were Kings.
I have never watched a full episode of StarTrek, Although I am proud and keep it to myself, I heard someone proclaim that the other day.
Cost of movies, the poor audience behaviors, and the declining quality story telling has curtailed my own movie going tremendously.
Just caught the 1968 version of “once upon a time in the west” again and just comment to my daughter how much movie making has changed (for the worst)
Another genre thing: I always hated westerns. Then a local radio station started running old-time radio on Sundays. I have to say, ‘Gunsmoke’ is a really outstanding program. It’s well-written; good acting, direction, effects etc. I find quality work in the most unexpected places.
.
For whatever it’s worth, El Dorado is on my top-10 list of movies. The script is fine (the film is pretty much a remake of Rio Bravo, which was made seven years earlier in 1959, and, as with El Dorado, was directed by the great Howard Hawks), the direction is nearly perfect, and the acting (with the sad exception of the leading lady) is superb.
John Wayne, the sole actor who appeared in both Rio Bravo and El Dorado, was never better. Robert Mitchum, playing the role Dean Martin played in Rio Bravo, steals every seen he’s in and establishes himself as a great comic actor. El Dorado was James Caan’s fifth credited film, and by far his largest role up to that point. He holds his own playing opposite Wayne. The film established Caan as a bankable and able Hollywood actor.
Arthur Hunnicutt plays the deputy sheriff, the role Walter Brennan played in Rio Bravo, and is drop-dead funny. Ed Asner and Christopher George are suitably surly and entirely believable as the bad guys. The theme song and score by Nelson Riddle are just this side of hokey, but perfect for the film.
With a run time of just over two hours, the film is a little longer than your typical 2014 fare, but with fine direction, ample comedy, and a first class story, it always feels to me like the movie is too short.
You can read about the plot, but, in the end, it doesn’t matter much. With this fine acting ensemble, most of them at the height of their powers, your only job is to sit back and enjoy. Rotten Tomatoes gives El Dorado a 100% Fresh rating. As you can tell by reading this, I concur.
John
Yay!! The old Jeff came back for a visit. It’s stuff like this that got me reading WVSR in the first place. Maturity is for suckers.