I’m not talking about novelty cars, created as conversation pieces, and that sort of thing. I mean real vehicles that real people drive, for everyday use. What are the most ridiculous examples you’ve seen? Five jump immediately to my mind, and while driving to work today… I’ll undoubtedly come up with five more.
But I’ll tell you about the ones I’ve scribbled in my notebook so far, and let you folks take it from there.
At one of my former jobs, many years ago, there was a guy who hung around, and drove a big ol’ redneck pickup truck. It was huge, and cranked way up in the air. The dude practically needed a stepladder to get into it. And it was tricked-out with every dumbass accessory known to man. Whenever I saw it, I busted out laughing. It was a rolling parody.
He used to tell us, with pride, that he had more than $40,000 “invested” in that hickasaurus. And this was 30 years ago, or more.
Eventually he tired of it, as is always the case, and began pining over some other ludicrous vehicle. So, he put the truck up for sale. Needless to say… there were no takers. He had so much money sunk into that thing, nobody could come within $15,000 of the asking price.
So, he cooked up a scheme with one of my co-workers, and the truck was “stolen,” stripped of most of its pricey add-ons, and burned in the woods. He collected the insurance money, my co-worker got his hands on some primo hillbilly gear, and all was right with the world.
The weird thing? They concocted the whole plan in front of me, without a care in the world. How should I have felt about that? Clearly, they trusted me. But is that a good thing? I’m not so sure. I was never implicated, thank God. As far as I know, it was treated as an open-and-shut case of theft. Nobody ever said a word to me about it.
And for the record: my memory comes and goes on the subject. I remember all the details today, but tomorrow… who knows? It could all be gone. Oh, I’m extremely unreliable. So, there’s no need to come calling on that particular subject. Ahem.
Another ridiculous everyday-use vehicle I’ve known was driven by a guy in our high school: a dump truck. I’m not kidding, it was a full-sized dump truck, which he drove to school every day. He left it in the student parking lot, and acted like it was the most natural thing in the world.
On a semi-related note… he’s the last person I’ve had a fistfight with. My friend Bill started it, by skyhooking a pickle slice from the passenger window of my Nova, outside the Dunbar McDonald’s. It landed on the hood of another car that he and his buddies were in, and things quickly escalated. Some shit was talked there, in the shadow of the golden arches. Then it all came to a head that night at a football game. It was a full-blown rolling-in-the-mud fight, in front of the whole school. Good stuff.
It’s a funny, though… I don’t remember many people giving him shit for driving a dump truck to school every day. It was accepted, and not really mocked. How is that possible? God knows, I tried.
When I was a young kid there was an older dude who lived one street over from us. Straight across from Bill, coincidentally. This guy was about 18, I’d guess, and seemingly wild. Possibly a low-grade hippie, as well. I’m unclear on it.
Anyway, he got his hands on an old mail truck, and painted it with all sorts of psychedelic imagery. This was the early 1970s… And, on both sides, in large letters: The Sugar Booger.
It was ridiculous. The steering wheel was on the wrong side, and it was all painted up by a bunch of stoners and neighborhood kids. Bill probably had a hand in it. And the guy drove it as his everyday vehicle for a long time. I’d see it around town, and be astonished. It felt like it shouldn’t even be allowed on the road, like something you’d joke about doing, come to real life.
The Sugar Booger. Ha!
At my previous job, here in the Perogie Belt, there was a guy there who was approximately Puerto Rican. Again, I’m unclear… And he drove a beat-to-hell 1980s limo as his primary vehicle.
The thing was HUGE, and stuck way out while parked. One of the doors was crushed in, fully and completely, and there was no shortage of rust, etc. I’d see him climb out of that thing, and wonder: how the hell does one arrive at such a point? Working at a warehouse in northeastern Pennsylvania, driving a 25 year old piece-of-shit limousine? I don’t even understand how a person could connect a series of dots that would lead to such a situation.
But, I’m sure he’s landed on his feet, wherever he is.
Finally, there was a woman named Felicia who worked with me and Toney in Atlanta. She was super-nice and funny, and exceedingly fashionable. Most people just wore jeans and t-shirts to that place, but she showed up every day looking like something out of Vogue. I think she was ambitious, and dressed for the job she wanted, not the one she had.
But she drove a total junker, which looked like it wasn’t anywhere near interstate-worthy. I’m surprised the hood didn’t fly off, or a fender didn’t go flapping off into the woods, or something. The thing was about two years past the time it should’ve been crushed down to the size of a cinderblock.
The great thing about it? None of the doors would open from the outside. So, Felicia — always dressed to the nines — would have to lift the hatchback, and climb in from the back. She was self-conscious about it, so she’d wait about fifteen minutes to leave, until the parking lot cleared out, and climb over the backseat in her high heels and whatnot. I got to witness this a few times, and it was a memorable thing to behold. Heh.
Now it’s your turn. Do you have anything on this subject? If so, please share it in the comments section.
And I’ll see you guys again next time.
Have a great day!
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A Few Quick Things, vol. 52
I, for one, would never have a fistfight with someone who drives a dump truck to school. I would concede that as an automatic loss, pride be damned.
I’ve seen a couple big trucks around here. There’s nothing weird about that to me – except I don’t think they were made for driving/parking in a town with small streets and lots of traffic.
Booger Sugar was 70s slang for cocaine
Not weird cars – but I do have to wonder why I see so many college kids driving brand new Mustangs, Camaros, and Hummers.
In the 70s there was a guy in the neighborhood who drove an old black hearse as an everyday car.
There was an army nut in high school who drove an army jeep (just like the kind on MASH) but only on the local roads.
Trying this again… my previous comment went buh bye.
Anyway, in the mid 90s there was a development behind the building where I used to work. For the most part, there were a bunch of riff raff kids trying to act all gangsta – doo rags, ghetto blasters, sideways hats. But nothing, and I mean nothing screams BAD AZZ more than a jacked up, tinted window’d, big ass spoiler’d Yugo!
Not that weird but I saw a ford f650. That just seems rediculous.
My last Toyota echo by the time I drove it into the back of 2 parked cars couldn’t roll it’s windows down and I had to get in the passenger side door.
Storm, your last sentence has sent me into howls of laughter! Thanks, I needed to laugh today…badly!
I had a ’67 Chevy pickup that had some poorly abd ridiculously stenciled lemon yellow on dark green vine looking thing on the hood. The rest of the truck was dark green with a wide yeloow stripe down the side.
It had an aftermarket sunroof that you couldn’t open without having to wory about it leaking in the rain and all of the wheels had missing lug nuts. The brakes were soft and went to the floor, and there was no gas pedal, just the arm for it.
It also had aftermarket seat belts. At the time I had a 27″ waist and could barely get the ends to meet.
Finally it had a Corevette 350 with headers and was faster than anything around.
Lots of power, no brakes and a 16 year old driver was a recipe for disaster, but I survived.
Then I smacked it into a barrier at a gas station (no power steering) and my folks made me sell it.
There was a kid in HS who drove an old ambulance. It looked like a hearse, and had been one, then was repurposed as an ambulance and then a 17-year old surfer’s ride.
It was pretty sweet.
There’s a guy in our ‘burg who rides his bike (pedals, not power) around with an enormous boombox strapped to the handlebars, through which he plays salsa music. All the dang time. He seems happy, so whatever.
The guy on the bike is also approximately 100 years old.
I remember those! When I was a wee lad, ambulances – and hearses – seemed to usually be 1959 Cadillacs with giant tail fins and rocket exhaust taillights. As seen in Ghostbusters. Speaking of which, here’s one for sale: http://www.hemmings.com/classifieds/dealer/cadillac/unspecified/1650505.html – the writeup says it has aged better than the actors 🙂
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Considering most of our friends are into classic and antique cars and bikes, rat rods and gasser’s, nothing is odd or crazy to me. Plus the fact I want a rat rod pick up truck myself to take to the antique shows whether I buy or sell.
I used to know a guy who was a tow truck driver. His truck was also his everyday grocery-getter and Sunday-going-to-meetin’ truck. If he had a date, he’d pick up the poor girl in the tow truck. But he probably had as many dates as he did teeth…none.
What did you think of the Rat Rod TV show (Vegas Rat Rods) ?
I didn’t see it. I would have liked to though. I like to watch Fast n Loud and Counting Car’s now and then. At least to see the finished product without all the “are we going to get this done before the deadline” bullshit. Some of the stuff they churn out is pretty cool.
It’s about the guy with the diesel rat rod – Steve Darnell. I don’t know if there is a second season or not. A lot of those car shows seem to come and go quickly.
Was that Pickle Bill skyhooked yours or the source of your picklenoia?
Probably 20 some yrs ago I was at a friends place in Tennessee and a guy pulled up in a ratty old muscle car with “Southern Born and Bread” hand painted on the back…yes the moron spelled it Bread. I laughed and laughed…I don’t think he liked it but I didn’t care.
While driving on I-81 south toward Carlisle a few months ago, I saw a car headed north that looked like a normal, old station wagon in the back. The front half, however, was pretty much “open air” and only had one wheel, like some kind of sawed-off Flintstone tricycle wagon. Freak!
I went to college (late 60s) with a guy whose philosophy was never spend more than $300 on a car. This meant he was usually driving something from the early to mid 50s. He had a really nice Cadillac hearse with a lawn chair in the back where the casket would go. He also had a 55 Plymouth that had very bad brakes. When you parked it you let it coast into a tree in front of the apartment. The keys were always in it in case someone wanted to take it for a spin.
Oh – where I am from dudes use to build V8 – 4 Wheel Drive Vegas. This was in the early 1980s.
There is a kid at the local High School who drives a fire truck to school. Not a full blown fire truck but some sort of old equipment truck a neighboring community sold at auction. I think his dad bought it to use for a cheap pickup truck and lets the kids drive it to school.
I swear to FSM, that one day my friend and I saw Todd, from Beavis & Butthead. What sold the illusion that not only did he look like him, but he was driving a shit-box, jacked up in the rear Chevy Nova (late 60’s – early 70’s), with a 2×4 rear bumper!
Sadly, we pulled up next to him at a red light, as it was turning green (we were turning), and I did not manage to get a picture. Nor have I seen him again.
Also, in my town, there was a Pontiac Fiero craze. And this was way after they should have been still on the road! Who was making these? Where were they finding them? My buddy and I sat on the porch roof of our place and we counted I think 30-40 in an hour! We lived on the main thoroughfare, so traffic was no shortage, in a town of 30-40k.
Now, I think Hummers are the most ridiculous vehicle on the road. I feel the same way about over-sized pickups. And I am at that age now, where if I see something ridiculous (fashion, vehicles, etc.) or hear terrible music, I’ll laugh out loud. And openly mock the person.
Oh, the Todd sighting was this summer! 2014!!
I don’t know jack about car types so I don’t know what type of sedan this was but it was old fashioned, painted pepto bismol pink and had eyelashes.
I also lived in Birmingham when the Birmingham Batman was out cape crusading. He drove a 1971 Thunderbird, equipped with two TVs, an Atari game system, a toaster oven and flashing red and yellow lights. (I had to google him to find out what he drove.)
I’ve got three cars… two are ridiculous just because of what they are, but my favorite is a my truck with “FUCK” keyed into the side of it. I own a part of a financial company that repossessed the thing. It was a perfectly good F-150. I’ve owned it problem free for 4 years. The only thing is that once the repo man hooked it up to his wrecker the guy chased him with a baseball bat and took the mirrors off, dented the cab, tore up the tailgate and carved “FUCK” into the side of it before he could complete the repo. I own two very expensive fancy-pants cars that sit in my garage and my F-150 is my junker I drive around because it was a deal I couldn’t pass up. A perfectly good truck that if we sent it to auction would only bring $5k because it had a little character. I wrote a check for $5001 and couldn’t be happier.
The other month I saw a pickup of sorts, made out of a full-size tractor trailer cab and chassis. It had a metal-flake purple paint job, and a proportionately-sized “bed” painted to match. Never saw such a thing before or since.
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And. A guy I knew in college spent one winter doing a careful, painstaking restoration on a rusted-out 10-year-old Chevette. It looked brand new when he was done, but it was still a Chevette.
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An all-time favorite of mine is a pimped-out low-rider truck I can remember from years ago that had “Dr Krankenstein” written across the rear window. I wished that I would’ve thought of that first.
That’s pronounced “Kronkenschteen”
The pickle toss did not end with simply the hookshot. The guy got out of the car and proceeded to smear ketchup all over Jeff’s windshield. The fists almost flew right there. He was a complete douchebag and I think Jeff ended up raking his face across a chain-link fence during the actual fight that night. A rusty fence. Heh. Good stuff !
“raking his face across a chain link fence” – can’t stop laughing!
Yay, tetanus! Well played, Jeff!
My favorite is the owner of a local trucking company who has all of his company vehicles painted black with matching orange flames coming back from the hood on all of them–at one point he had an International CXT Pickup, a Volkswagen Beetle and a jacked up, mud tired, hillbilly deluxe F-650–all with matching paint. He has since traded the Volkswagen for a Ford Transit van with a Red, White and Blue (‘Murican!) paint job. He’s a nice guy and all, but shit taste in daily drivers–and this is coming from a guy who drove a Jeep Cherokee with faux wood panels all through high school.
The CXT might have been the thing I saw that time. I see online that it costs about the same as a Maserati Quattroporte. Or, “paying off my mortgage and buying an M3.” It’s all a matter of priorities, I guess.
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My dad once converted an old Ford Festiva into a pickup truck and installed fake header pipes coming out of the “bed”. His boss would make him park it behind the dumpster when bigwigs came to visit the office.
1: hickasaurus
2: sky hooked a pickle
I live in Louisiana where my mind often boggles at the super sky-high pickups with truck nutz but man, the above two mental images are funny.
There’s someone who works in my building who drives what MUST be a 1970 Honda Civic. No telling what color it was, it’s 100% rust and has Saran Wrap for a back window. It doesn’t look like it has moved from some hillbilly’s front yard in 25 years but somehow it comes and goes from the parking garage, daily. Boggles my mind.
Last!!
http://www.listoid.com/image/64/list_2_64_20101121_071351_218.jpg
I guess in a way I’m ‘that guy’. My daily driver is a 33 year old pickemup truck with a small functional noose hanging from the rearview and a gear for a hood ornament. My new car is 25 years old, and my other car is almost as old as I am. No trucknutz, I’m not a fudge packer. Think 70’s/80’s subtle styling on all of ’em.
Fudge packer – I haven’t heard that one since the days of the Greaseman.
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One friend of mine drove a deuce and a half around pretty regularly — and he was drunk most of the time. I watched him take out a telephone pole, laugh, and drive away.
Back in the 80s, one of my best friends (who just passed away, fuck cancer) had a ’78 Chevette with one window blown out and taped over with plastic sheeting that you couldn’t see through, missing shift knob, and spotty brakes. We were 16 and on the road and didn’t give a shit.