Look Into The Eyes Of Pure Evil – If You Dare

pure evilAbout a year ago the evil standard poodle that lives next door jumped on our beloved Andy for the fourth or fifth time. Andy is getting old, and that shitty high-stepper was getting the better of him. So my son intervened.

And an hour later we were all sitting in the emergency room while the older kid was being treated for a rather severe dog bite on the hand. You can read about that stressful day here.

There’s something spooky and deranged about that poofter hound. It’s hyper-aggressive, but… you know, a poodle. Imagine if Liberace had spent time in Saddam Hussien’s Republican Guard, and was trained to kill with his hands. That’s how it feels to me.

Our neighbors believed we reported them, but we didn’t. The hospital contacted someone about the incident, and a visitor appeared shortly thereafter. They were told that if there’s one more incident with that asshole of a dog, it would be removed from their home and destroyed.

We had nothing to do with that, but I didn’t lose any sleep over it. We did insist they pay the medical bills, which happened. It’s not a white trash situation, or anything like that; Billy Bob and Shirlene don’t live over there. But there was tension, which is amazing to me. If the roles had been reversed I would’ve felt horrible, and would never stop apologizing. They said very little to us, and there was an unspoken implication that we were the unreasonable ones.

They’ve been better with their well-groomed assassin though, and only take it out on a leash. Sometimes, when I’m dragging our trash cans to the curb, I hear it going wild inside their house, possibly leaping and throwing its body against the walls. Holy shit.

But there were no further incidents. Until Monday, that is.

I was out there with Andy around midnight, allowing him to sling some urine before bed. He was on a leash, and everything was quiet and calm. Then I saw something white moving at a high rate of speed in my peripheral vision. I turned and it was that bag of shit from next door again, charging at us full-on. Here we go!

Before it could get at Andy again, I kicked it hard in the face, but it recovered instantly and continued its assault. WTF?? I was yelling and kicking, and trying to keep Andy away from it. Our dog was now pissed too, and ready to rumble. I got several good kicks in, but it felt like some switch had been thrown inside the demented poodle’s head, and it would’ve kept attacking even if the back-half of its body had been blown off.

Somebody from next door — a female voice — began yelling something, and the dog abruptly stopped its attack and ran off.

Andy had not been touched, but was jacked on adrenaline. I don’t think he stopped panting until mid-afternoon the next day; he was a perpetual panting machine.

Toney had been in bed, but was now up. And she was PISSED. “I’m calling the Humane Society, first thing tomorrow. This is bullshit,” she kept saying.

But I knew they’d kill the dog, and even though I hate the thing… the idea of us becoming doggie executioners makes me feel queasy. I convinced her we should give them one more chance, and she finally relented. However, the next time one of us sees any of the neighbors out there, we’ll tell them about it. That was the plan. We’d make it clear there would be no more such reprieves.

And on Tuesday or Wednesday, Toney had a conversation with the husband. And the guy was a jerk about it. It blows my mind, how people can twist situations inside their minds.

His evil dog jumped on our PERFECT dog multiple times, unprovoked. His evil dog bit our son, and caused him to spend an afternoon in the emergency room. They were warned by authorities that if there were any further incidents their evil dog was finished. And there was a further incident, when their evil dog attacked our PERFECT dog again, but we decided to give them a pass on it.

And we’re the assholes?! Wow.

Adam Carolla always talks about friends and family members who borrow money from him, never pay it back, and get all huffy when he brings it up five years later. I guess there’s no end to some folks’ abilities to justify and shift the blame. Right?

I can tell you one thing, though. If it happens again, that poodle is going up a goddamn chimney, and its ashes will quietly settle on the cars of our little town while Toney and I enjoy a cold beverage on the veranda.

And for the record, the photo above is NOT the actual dog, but looks exactly like it. Evil!

I hope you guys have a great weekend. Thanks for reading, and all you do!

I’ll see you again on Monday.

Now playing in the bunker
Treat yourself to something cool at Amazon!


  1. You’re being way too nice about it. I wouldn’t give a half a shit about the poodle. Have him executed!

  2. Jeff, it sounds like a situation that could be rectified by 250 grains of copper-jacketed lead traveling at about 1000 ft per second…Just Sayin’

  3. Some people are just the worst. My neighbors have 2 dogs they let out every 4 hours to run around their yard for 15 minutes, even during the night. They just sit there and bark the whole time, waking me up every night and every morning(around midnight and then 4am). I went over and nicely asked the lady to keep them in during the night so I can sleep and she flipped out. She told me they need to piss and if I have a problem with it then maybe she’ll let them in my house to piss or I can move, and then ended this conversation with a few angry curse words. I’ve since then called the cops a few times but by the time they get there an hour later the dogs are back inside.

    • I open a door or go outside so the cops can hear the dogs. Since you know the time the dogs will be out, have a talk with someone other than a patrolman and tell him about the regularity of the disturbance. Another guy on the other side of town and I were the ones who complained so often that we now have a noise ordinance.

  4. Jazzbone Swirly says

    I have had bad experiences with this particular breed as well, and understand the situation completely. I am not a dog-hater by any means, but feel as though someone needs to step in and do what is necessary for the safety and well-being of everyone in the vicinity of this animal. This particular breed senses weakness (i.e., old age) in other dogs, and goes in for the kill whenever possible. They’re just hard-wired for this particular thing, apparently. Much worse than a pit bull in my personal experience. Perhaps you should consider buying some bear spray to bring on your walks with Andy.

  5. Tyrosine says

    My son was bit about 5 years ago. We lived in a condo at the time and one of our neighbours was in the habit of letting their black lab run loose. They let him out one afternoon while my son was running around with his friends and the dog made beeline right for him.

    We took him the hospital and called the police (I’m not as forgiving as Jeff in these situations). The police decided not to lay charges but did ask them to provide proof of vaccination, which they refused to produce for three weeks eventually requiring the local Board of Health and a lawyer to get it out of them.

    When the condo Board sent them a letter saying the dog must be leashed and insured they had it put down. The husband of the household (a charming individual in his mid 30’s who still engages in the grade school practice of shaving designs into his hair) actually approached my kid and said “Hope you’re happy. I had to kill my dog because of you”.

  6. I don’t think you should kill or have killed your friend with the white fro. There are plenty of ways to make that guy uncomfortable without killin’ em. A tazer, cattle prod, or a baseball bat used judiciously would probably tilt things in you and Andy’s way next altercation. Hell, throw peanut butter wrapped in lunch meat (with a little bit o ex-lax). He’ll stop, eat, and poop all over your neighbors house for the next week or so.

  7. Ron in PA says

    I love animals, dogs particularly, but this has got to stop! I too would feel a bit remorseful, but it is not you sending the fucker to his death it’s the owners. You have every right to feel safe in your own home, this shitbag of dog is hardly allowing you to do that. Call it in and let the chips fall where they fall. What if you were not there to protect Andy? What if it were a child walking their little dog? What if that happens tomorrow and now there is another kid being asked to leave KFC running around. Do the right thing and call it in….my 2 cents

    • stratboy says

      KFC thing was revealed to be a hoax. Poor kid, mauled by pit bull, and crappy family too. To their credit, KFC still gave a ton of money for the kid’s medical bills.

  8. kill it and leave it on their doorstep

  9. Fat Dave says

    Yeah, there is an epidemic of assholes getting huffy when they are at fault. I was minding my own business taking a deuce in a porta-john at a music festival a few weeks ago, happily unaware that the door lock was faulty, when some broad yanked it open and bitched me, with my britches around my ankles and displayed in all my glory, out. Yeah, I purposely left the door unlocked so 250 drunken music aficianadoes could see my pasty-white privates. That’s just my perverted M.O. ‘Cause I’m a dick like that.

  10. Knucklehead says

    It’s not the dog’s fault – they’re shitty owners. They should remove the dog from those asshats and rehome it to someone that’s responsible and can socialize it and teach it some manners. I’m no poodle fan, but I don’t like most kids either and I’ve never called for one of them to be euthanized (yet).

    • johnthebasket says


      An actual piece of non-violent advice from our favorite ex-pat. There you go again, making sense as usual.

      Hope all is well in Italy.


  11. Steve in WV says

    You’re well within your rights to notify the doggy authorities. I don’t own a dog, but if one of the neighbor’s dogs bit one of my kids (unprovoked), I would shoot it myself in front of God and everyone. Period.

    Having said that, I can also see any action on your part creating a potentially unlivable situation due to being in some kind of cold war with a neighbor. I have seen it happen time and time again, where something happens to spark a feud between neighbors and suddenly it’s the Hatfields and the McCoys.

    I would at least arm myself with some pepper spray. Once you napalm that mut a couple of times, they will get the picture.

  12. I laughed out loud at the line about the first kick.
    Fuck that dog. Good on you for going easy on them but they can cram it on a slant (Some other blog I used to read said that).

  13. Lew in Bama says

    I call shenanigans on the neighbors….have that dog removed.
    I love our dog, and can’t imagine not having him around. However, if he were to EVER bite or attack a human unprovoked, it’s my duty as the owner to remove him from the situation. Whether that means being put down, sent to doggie boot camp for rehabilitation, or re-homed to a farm somewhere depends on the severity of the situation and the repeat offender status, if any.
    Get yourself a wild-game camera, mount it where the offending dog likes to mount his attack, and capture the photographic evidence next time. At least then it’s not a he-said-she-said kind of thing, but a “hey, look at my evidence you a**hole” kind of thing.
    Also, an airsoft gun is a great deterrent to unwanted animals in your yard.

  14. Brenda Love says

    I think pepper spray sounds like a good deal. These people need to seriously think about a fence.

  15. That next time grace period you have granted (again?) might just be the worst time of them all. Reconsider and get that dog gone now. I have three things I do not let anyone fuck with. Harriette (akaPoop-Doggie-Dog), my truck and my wife. Actually…if you think you can mess with my wife…go for it. You’ll find out. She’ll make your life miserable.

  16. johnthebasket says

    So far, something like four people have encouraged you to shoot the dog, or, at least, have said they WOULD shoot it. I had no idea you had so many Kentucky correspondents. Where I live, it’s illegal to discharge a firearm, and it’s certainly illegal to shoot someone’s pet. I suppose if you did so DURING an attack, the prosecutor would look the other way, but that’s not what the commenters are suggesting.

    If not during an attack, you’d be copping a plea for at least two charges and probably be preparing a defense against your neighbors’ civil suit while paying big money to a local attorney.

    I assume the people who urged you to shoot the dog probably wouldn’t actually shoot him themselves, or, as I suggested, live in Kentucky or your future home of Georgia where you can shoot just about anything that moves and know that the prosecutor will never find twelve jurors who are literate AND have all their teeth.

    The pepper spray makes sense, but the necessity of remembering to bring it every time you leave the house with Andy is a problem. You could carry it in your pocket all the time, but, being a hefty man like me, eventually you’d bend the wrong way and initiate a spray that would be aimed at your private parts while you wrestled with your jeans for control of the nozzle. I mean, of course, the nozzle of the pepper spray.

    Asshole neighbors are always a problem. There is exactly one in our neighborhood. Sounds the same in yours. Sadly, that’s one too many.


    • Art Vandelay says

      Typically defense of life/property trumps the no-discharge laws. I know there are no discharge laws in my town, but I bet if the coyotes were in the chickens I could blow them away without a concern.

    • Jazzbone Swirly says

      So JK should take the dog to GA or KY and shoot it there?

  17. Brenda Love says

    They make pepper spray in a small canister that attaches to your key chain. Added benefit is that it helps make your key chain harder to lose.

  18. johnthebasket says

    While I’m writing what’s turning into my first novel here, I have a procedural question…

    From whom is the Friday update “super-secret”? Since you advertise it on Mondays and Thursdays, and even solicit customers, people from work and your family can sign up and read it. I know this because you never talk about work or your family in the super-secret update.

    I don’t think you do it this way to get good email addresses; dollars to doughnuts, people on this site give you good ones when they first comment.

    I’m certainly not complaining about getting a third update each week. I’m just curious as to how and why this fits with your business model. You’re a pretty rational guy, and you do things for reasons. I just haven’t figured out the reason for this yet.

    Just curious, just Friday, just sayin’.


    • John, Subscribers to the mailing list actually open and read my emails, because there’s something of value inside — the link to the secret update. And, in turn, I get a nice bump in traffic to the other two updates from that week.

      Believe it or not, the average “open rate” on mailing list emails is less than 10%. I’m getting about 60%. And many more people read the updates, than would have otherwise.

      Plus, it’s just kind of fun. It’s a nice little perk for people who are engaged and active at the site. There are many casual readers who have never seen one of the Friday updates, and don’t even know about them.

      • I’d guess that the way one knows the “open rate” is based on web beacons. Since I am one of the 12 people on earth who don’t use a web browser to read email, I guess you’d never know if I read your mail or not. Rest assured that I do, so add one to whatever it comes up with.

  19. Dorothy B. Raught says

    once upon a time i attempted to stop a dog fight and like your oldest, got bitten up. it was at night so i didn’t bother going to the er till the next day. by that time my hand and arm had turned a peculiar color. the dr. said,”oh my goodness,” when he saw me and the next thing i knew i was on my way to the or. apparently they thought i had that flesh eating bacteria. the last thing i remember was the surgeon saying, “i can’t guarantee we won’t have to amputate your arm.” yikes when i woke up i had several drains in but my arm was still there. i spent 10 days in the hosp. and 2 months with a catheter embedded in some major vessel and had to have antibiotics infused every 6 hrs. dogs’ mouths are NOT clean. don’t risk one of you having this experience. kill the fucker now!

  20. So…pepper spray is it? Why must one feel the need/ be required/ should have to equip themselves with anti-attack devices to ward off a neighbor’s loose canon canine?

  21. madz1962 says

    A few years ago, our cat was attacked by another cat on our property. Tore up my cat really bad. Trying to be civil about it, we set up a Have a Heart trap and caught the little fucker and dragged him down to the Humane Society. Of course, Beloved, in a fit of emotions, told them “I was going to put a bullet through its head” Well, they almost threw us out of the place and one woman spun on him and hissed “That’s ILLEGAL, sir!” But they took it away and the very next day we heard cats screaming and thought “Shit, there’s a bunch of these strays roaming around.”

    We set up another Have A Heart, caught another cat, dragged it to the HS where we got a few hostile looks and one lady said “Hey are you the guy who wants to shoot cats?” They take a look at the cat in the trap and it’s the same fucking cat we had JUST dragged in the day before. Bastard’s name was Robbie.

    By this point, Beloved had a goddamn vein pulsing in his neck and forehead. Of course they wouldn’t tell us the owner. And the lady looked worried. We didn’t see the cat around our property after that but my cat died 2 months later from injuries sustained. She also had tumors and in her weakened state, couldn’t fight any infections.

    So (long story longer) Jeff, don’t be all nicey nice with these people who are oblivious to their rampant fucking foofer. Get the Humane Society, police, ANYONE involved because I wouldn’t wish what happened to my cat on anyone.

  22. Art Vandelay says

    Yup, I like the baseball bat idea. Just keep one propped by the door and keep it with you when you’re monitoring the urine slinging. If the white blur appears, cave in a few ribs.

    Otherwise, just call in the attack and be done with it, before someone brings their toddler over and the thing eats half their face off.

  23. Bill in WV says

    I would be carrying an axe handle with me every time I take Andy out to do his business and if that bastard comes charging, brain his ass with the club. I hate poodles.

    • I was thinking axe handle too, but that could be considered an offensive weapon. A walking stick on the other hand is perfectly legal.

  24. druglife says

    Just tell em they better get one of those shock collars so it can’t leave the yard. and remind em if there is another incident poochy isn’t coming back home,alive anyways.

    • Dorothy B. Raught says

      i agree! our two dogs are little sweeties who love our cats and chickens, but we STILL have an invisible fence so our sweeties don’t roam. best thing ever invented.

  25. I’d say start carrying a nice big walking stick. If there’s another encounter, bust that devil dog’s head open.
    But on the other hand, maybe you or Toney should make that call. Imagine if that dog ran up on a small kid in the neighborhood and committed a mauling? You’d probably feel really shitty that something wasn’t done sooner.

  26. …of course, a few nice pieces of steak soaked in antifreeze would take care of the problem too.

  27. What if someone has company with small children and don’t know about that evil white streak? A bite in the right place can kill! If that dog is in your yard or attacking outside its yard, there is no excuse. Actually, dogs cannot freely bite in their own yards and get away with it. Think about the next dog or small child this poodles encounters. Report the incident. And, be prepared at all times to protect yourself and yours.

  28. Perhaps an intervention is in order. Find a priest who specializes in possessed pets. Perhaps he might just be able to pray away the evil or perform a full on exorcism. Get rid of all the fucked up people who wanted to be a dog in their next life and ended up in this bag of worthless. Find a pet psychic who might find the confused animal is actually a Rottweiler trapped in a Poodles body and has identity issues.

  29. WV Hillbilly says

    A bowl of antifreeze will make short work of that fucker.

  30. Jeff, this is insanity. That dog is a menace; one day he’s going to maim or kill a human, or Black Lips. Seriously, call it in. No more “one more chance.” Meanwhile, I’d carry some sort of defensive weapon that you won’t get arrested for having or using. The walking stick idea seems like a good one.

    Let’s be careful out there.

  31. I think we chip in to get Michael Vick to come to town.

  32. Time to say “Au Revoir” to Fifi……

  33. I’m with Jeff. I couldn’t be the executioner without another attempt at reason. Tell them to build a fence or you’ll have no option but to report it. Then it’s on them.

    • Mike Narmour says

      Baseball bat or pepper spray……has to be one or the other. You can’t let this vicious animal harm or kill another pet or possibly child and stand by. Myself, I would rat out the self-rightious a-holes in a heartbeat and have the beast put down. It’s going to pass on anyway, as we all are, and why should other innocents be harmed along the way???

  34. Hahahahahaha

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