If Stupid Were Potatoes… and How We Used to Know the Weekend Was Here

beastiesA few days ago, while enjoying a mediocre meal with friends, I overheard the following conversation:

First guy (singing): I’m a joker, I’m a smoker, I’m a miiiiidnight toker…

Second guy: Ha! Who does that song? Tom Petty?

First guy (looking disgusted): No, not Tom Petty. Really?! It’s Bob Seger.

It reminds me of a similar conversation I overheard, years ago. I was walking through the receiving dock at one of my fulfilling jobs, and “Been Caught Stealing” by Jane’s Addiction was blasting from the radio.

Another first guy: Oh man, I love this song!!

Another second guy: Who is it?

Another first guy: You don’t know who it is?! God, what an idiot! It’s the Beastie Boys.

I just kept walking, without even the slightest interruption to my stride. ‘Cause there would have been no upside to getting into it. For several reasons…

Firstly, who gives a shit? Another First Guy was (and almost certainly is) a blue ribbon dumbass. I mean… if stupid were potatoes, that guy would be Sun Valley Farms, of Paul, Idaho. Why waste precious moments of my life discussing trivia with a shit-for-brains?

It’s like when I worked at that convenience store in Dunbar, and my holler-dwelling co-workers were arguing, at length, about who would win a fistfight(!?) between Van Halen and the Rolling Stones. Is that something you want to invest time into? I think not.

Secondly, I’m not really into correcting. Lots of people love nothing more than to correct. You might say he had one coming, due to his shitty attitude toward Another Second Guy, but it all means nothing. You can’t fix stupid, and somebody will likely administer a 360-degree ass-whuppin’ on him, because of his cockiness, somewhere along the way. Nature takes care of that kind of thing. It’s not my responsibility.

What’s your stance on correcting? It’s not my thing, but sometimes I feel like I’m in the minority. Would you have gotten into it with either of those music “experts?” Tell us about it in the comments.

And while you’re considering the question… enjoy some Beastie Boys. Great stuff!

Before I call it a week here at Maturity Is For Suckers world headquarters, I invite you to check out an audio montage that signaled the arrival of the redneck weekend in Atlanta for many years. This thing was played at five o’clock every Friday, on classic rock station 96 Rock, for a decade, maybe two. It brought genuine joy to thousands, and caused a Pavlovian desire to guzzle Bud Light in unreasonable amounts.

I have heard it literally hundreds of times, and know it like I know the most overplayed Beatles songs. Feel free to crank it up near the end of your workday, and celebrate like a vintage Southern good ol’ boy!

And I’ll see you guys again on Monday!

Have a fantastic weekend.


  1. I’m less and less interested in correcting people. However, I’m happy to store my knowledge away in my brain so it’s handy when I have the opportunity to play a trivia game or simply amaze my husband with all the random crap I know.

  2. Jazzbone Swirly says

    Van Halen would kick the Stones’ asses in a fistfight.

  3. Cleveland’s 98.5 Friday 5 o’clock montage is The Kings ‘This Beat Goes On/ Switchin’ To Glide’ and Todd Rundgren “I Don’t Want To Work”. I find it infuriating.

  4. Swami Bologna says

    Van Halen would kick the Rolling Stones’ asses! I mean, c’mon, Michael Anthony alone could probably beat the shit out of every one of those skinny Limey teabags. And I mean all at once, not just one at a time. Get real!

  5. For reasons that totally fucking baffle me, my quitting time is 5:15. Do you have any idea how slow that minute hand sweeps between 5:00 and 5:15 on a Friday night???

  6. Hell no I dont correct. I love listening to ignoramuses.

  7. Since I spent almost 30 years (give or take) learning music, film, and TV “facts” I have to correct people. Of course now the youths can just look up shit on the internet.

    I think old Keith could put a hurting on tiny Eddie.

    • Jazzbone Swirly says

      I imagine that Keith would keep a knife in his boot, and if the Van Halens were winning the fistfight with the Stones, he would whip that sucker out and start slicing away at Diamond Dave’s jugular vein. Not that I’ve given this much thought or anything.

  8. Last wee I walked into a dudes office and music was playing…

    Me: Cool, old school Beastie Boys
    Him: Actually it’s Jane’s Addiction
    Me: Oh
    Him: I could see how you could get them mixed up

    “Firstly, who gives a shit? Another First Guy was (and almost certainly is) a blue ribbon dumbass. I mean… if stupid were potatoes, that guy was Sun Valley Farms, of Paul, Idaho. Why waste precious moments of my life discussing trivia with such a man?”

    This may be the funniest thing you wrote this year, and it calls for a beer.

  9. Jeff – Thx for sharing that 5:00 montage!! I listened to the entire thing & it made me absurdly happy/nostalgic, esp for my time in CT, when I listened to 99 Rock, WPLR .. They had a guy (The Wigmaster) who would “wig out” every Friday on something moderately topical for the area. Now I’m gonna hafta see if they have that posted online somewhere and give it another listen .. It’s been almost 10 years since I’ve listened to that station.

    Now that I think about it, that’s one of the hardest adjustments I had to make when I moved, finding a new radio station. A year later, bought my first Sirius…

    I agree with Madz – no correcting for me. In my experience, the entertainment value of ignoramuses is highly underrated, esp on arguably trivial subjects. If I’m feeling particularly snarky, I might join in and add my own deliberately misguided fodder to the cannon.

  10. The local station here does that same shit on Fridays at 5, it’s usually followed by Loverboys-working for the weekend.

  11. Beginning part of that montage is played every Friday in Albany NY also.

  12. I only correct those close to me. I can’t stand the thought of them embarrassing themselves in public. Better they hear it from me than be thought a fool and/or be set straight by some random know-it-all on the street.

Speak Your Mind