How you guys doing? It’s been a monkey-hive of activity here in the Upper Pierogi Belt. And in case you should care about the details, I’ll now give you a brief rundown…
High school graduation
The older boy successfully navigated the treacherous waters of… putting on gym clothes every day, and received his high school diploma.
That’s him in the middle up there, with two of his ne’er-do-well friends. Smoking a freaking cigar. Fantastic.
The day before that photo was taken, I passed him driving home from his job. Or at least I thought he was going home… He didn’t show up, so I texted him and asked for his 20. “Work,” he replied. Bullshit.
I told him I’d seen him leaving work thirty minutes prior, and he said, “I’m buying cigars with Matt.” No “sorry for lying like a Singapore hooker,” or anything of the sort.
I asked Toney what the hell was going on, and she said there’s a decades-old tradition that the boys fire up a cigar outside the brick gates of the football stadium, immediately after graduating. Whatever.
The ceremony was standard fare, but better organized than I would’ve predicted. They kept things under control, and didn’t allow it to turn into a drawn-out snooze-a-thon. For that I was thankful.
It was hot, though. I sat there worried that my ass was sweating through my pants. I was concerned I’d be emblazoned with the big horseshoe o’ shame when we got up to leave. But I think it worked out OK. As far as I know, the illusion of a dry ass was maintained.
Graduation “party”
It wasn’t a big to-do, but we had a few people at our house that night, and a spread of food. It went OK. The boy seemed genuinely surprised that people were making such a big deal about high school graduation. But he enjoyed the envelopes of cash he kept receiving. He said it made him feel like Tony Soprano.
Steve came by, and we had a couple of beers. We’ve known each other since second or third grade. I’d like to think I’d drive 75 miles to celebrate the graduation of his son, if he had one and the roles were reversed. I’m reasonably sure I’d do it… Maybe. In any case, Steve’s a good friend. I really appreciated him being there.
My parents’ visit
My folks arrived on Saturday, and stayed until Tuesday. They’re easy, so there’s not much to report. There was a lot of Dunbar talk, which gets old, but it goes with the territory. It was a lot of this kind of thing:
Mom: Jeff, do you remember the Elliots?
Me: Who?
Mom: The Elliots. I think they lived on 19th Street. Or was it 20th? John?! Where did the Elliots live?
Dad: Who?
Mom: The Elliots!
Dad: Which Elliots? Barney and Carol?
Mom: Oh dear god… no. The other Elliots! I think his name was Gene? …Maybe Gary?
And once one of those conversational roundabouts are set into motion, they can go on for a good long time. Maybe hours. The best part? I never had any idea who they were talking about. None whatsoever.
But they were good guests. There was a minimum of molar grinding on my part, and that’s saying something. Especially after three days. They took us out to dinner on Sunday, and gave the boy a shocking amount of cash. I don’t think they gave me that much when I graduated… but who can remember? It was so long ago, this kind of thing was considered to be some funny-ass shit.
Beers with Nancy & Nostrils
Yep, Eninen passed through town on Sunday, on their way back from Canada. I hadn’t seen them in a couple of years. Their see-through children are really tall now, especially the older one. He paced around a lot, and constantly snapped his fingers, which was odd. But they all acted reasonably normal.
Toney and I went out for a few beers with Nancy and Nostrils that evening, and I hate to disappoint you guys… but I think she’s mellowing. She actually said something about having to endure “one of those idiotic diversity seminars,” which blew my mind. Idiotic?! That’s not the Nancy I know.
We sucked down two or three Rebel IPAs with them at Damon’s, and they both seemed like regular folks. What the hell, man? I think they’re beaten down and tired, and no longer have the energy to be correct about everything. It’s still in there, I know, but not so much on display. At least not during the small amount of time we spent with them. They’re coming back for a real visit in August, though. We’ll see how that one goes.
And I need to call it day, my friends. Before I go though, I need your help with something. Below is the amount of toilet paper we have in our house right now. There is no more. So, what do you think? Is it enough for one session? I’ve been drinking coffee all morning, so I’m going to need your answer ASAP.
Should I rush to the store, Frankenstein-walk in there and buy another bundle? Or just go for it? If necessary, I guess I could supplement with the bathroom rug? Please help me out with this urgent decision. I think something is about to happen.
Heh. It’s important work we do here…
Thank you guys for supporting this new site. It feels like it’s going pretty well. What do you think? Any thoughts, a few weeks in? If you have suggestions, please don’t be shy about sharing them.
And I’ll see you again on Monday!
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No way for a power-shitter such as yourself. Take some tissues or paper towels 🙂
That’s about enough for 1.6 latrine sessions.
I should know; I’m a doctor.
Congratulations to the graduate!!! A regular chip off the old block. Now, to serious matters; I think there’s enough on the roll for one squeeze, but immediately after, head to the store!!!!
Go for it! Looks like plenty of TP, maybe grab a roll of paper towels just in case I’m wrong.
I keep two cases of TP at home at all times.
Seriously, that’s the only way to go. Questions like these should never have to be asked.
Definitely get more TP before heading into the shitter. If you don’t, you will certainly get surprised by sloppy diarrhea.
You need to head to the store STAT and buy a 12 pack.
I’m enjoying the site and I relish the super secret Friday updates.
Please, please, please let the kookery be reestablished by August. I know that makes me sound like a heartless bitch but I need some good stories.
Congratulations to Tony Soprano!
Oh – how do these boys get to buy cigars? You can’t buy smokes in NY without ID (I shit you not – some lady made me take out my license a few weeks ago and I’m 52!) The smoking and drinking age is 21 in NY on all to-backy products. I guess if it’s a tradition decades old, they may lift the ban but that’s, well, quite frankly, pretty odd.
Make it last longer: Use both sides!
No way that’s your kid. It’s got to be you.
That looks just like your 1970s pics.
No doubt….when I first saw that pic, I thought it was a pic of Jeff from his younger days.
I agreee, man the oldest secret does look like him!!!!
You might be a bit squidgie afterwards…
Your son looks just like you. Oh yes you deff need more TP!
In the picture of your kid (congrats!) who’s the fart knocker in the back right in the fuscia shorts?
Plenty of TP there, even for a power dump. But take paper towels with you anyway.
When you buy toilet paper, use the bathroom at the grocery store. That way you use their money!
Fuck mellow. Wait till August. Shit’s gonna fly.
Tear off one square & poke your finger thru the middle, wipe your ass with your finger, then wipe your finger with the square!
Don’t pick your schnozz with that finger though…
Jeff, love the new site and secret updates..
i get the cold sweats when im low on tp and paper towels.. i could have no food in the house, but if i got tp and paper towels, i’m good.. that has to be some weirdo thing i’m sure
Same type wierdo here… I HAVE to have stocked up @ my house TP or I have anxiety attacks…
Lori, I agree with you, we have the room to store it. When it’s on sale, I’ll get 2 or 3 12-pks. I hate to pay full price for that stuff when all you do is flush it away (or throw it away in the case of the paper towels).
And Jeff, Congratulations on the graduation. Life will most definitely change….for everyone!
Not enough TP. Never take a chance like that unless you’re feeling lucky! What if something goes horribly awry?? What if you start and can’t stop? And if it’s messy….suddenly the shower curtain liner up your ass doesn’t seem quite so bad.
HAhaha
Running out of TP is one of my irrational phobias. I buy the 30-pack at Costco.
And congrats to The Boy!
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Depends on the consistency and texture. Congrats to the kid.
Congrats! for the graduate. One down and one to go.
Not enough TP and this advice is coming from a lady. 🙂
A Nancy and nostrils update. Hot damn. Now I feel like I need to step outside for a smoke in my boxers.
Whats gonna happen to the best of, the Rocky stories, the fast food reviews, etc? Will they be re-issued here or are those classics lost to the mysteries of the interweb once thewvsr is no more?
that is a good question!
Not many squares to spate there. You’d have to go pretty easy. Depends on what you had for dinner last night. Salad? Sure, that will work. Indian food? Not so much.
still can’t believe the oldest secret is a graduate. Crazy.
As far as the Kid Pic goes, Jeff, cloning was made illegal here quite some time ago, so you got some ‘splainin’ to do!
The consensus seems to be that more TP is necessary before a shit attempt is made. Of course, I’m another compulsive TP buyer/hoarder, so take that with a block of salt. I also know exactly from whence the psyche damage came: my family home had three floors, ONE bathroom and a family consisting of two parents, old style (one of each sex), and four daughters! The bathroom was literally an afterthought and was tacked on to the kitchen. Unfortunately, there were plenty of books and magazines of every ilk stashed in there, but absolutely NO space to store spare rolls of TP, that was kept in the closet by the back door off the other side of the kitchen…
As usual, the kitchen was the main hangout for everyone, friends, fambly (spelled that way on purpose) and anyone else who may have wandered in. Invariably, you only ran out of TP when the kitchen was full, and one had to beg our maternal unit (MU) for replenishment, in full view and earshot of everyone present, all the way to the sidewalk out front. Due to her full-on sociopathy and delight in our humiliation, we were not gifted with a sacred roll until we had been completely shamed in front of the entire neighbourhood, nay, town!
Consequently, we buy a 30-pack on a monthly basis and always have at least a six-pack in the Cabinet Under the Sink for back-up. Even, or maybe especially, before the Weasels were grown and gone.
So, save yourself some laundry and embarrassment and get more wiping stuff before your bathroom adventures, go ahead and splurge on some of those adult baby wipes, too, they’re nigh unto miraculous!
Ya’ll know that Amazon will automatically deliver TP on a set schedule, right to your door? You never have to worry about it again. That big box shows up on your doorstep like clockwork, I tell ya! And if you buy through Jeff’s site, he gets a little cut on the side. No, not TP, though it looks like he could use some extra 😉
Wow, that is the shit!
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I have a TP issue…. I got a Sam’s Club membership just to buy TP in bulk. I have freaky panic attack’s about running out… Yes I am weird like that.
This new site is fantastic. The toilet paper people are fucking all of us. I think they’ve made the inner cardboard tube much larger in diameter. You end up with less tissue, even though the roll looks to be the same size. Or maybe my penis has shrunk, and what once was a tight fit is now like dangling a magic wand into a top hat. No, that can’t be it. “Big Toilet Paper” has us over a barrel – and they know it! I’m going to write Charmin again. This is bullshit.
Not only is the inner cardboard tube much larger, the tissue itself is not as wide as it used to be. Every single time I buy toilet tissue I get so damn pissed off about it I could scream. My friends think I am weird because of my tissue rants. Not only do we now have the old single roll, we also have the double roll and the even better triple roll. It’s bullshit, I tell ya!
What?