A Few Quick Things, vol. 8

rsz_funtownIt finally looks like spring outside. Except, of course, for the giant patches of snow still on the ground, and the 27 degree temperature… But, we’re getting there. There’s a genuine feeling of spring in the air: it’s sunny, and human beings are emerging from their homes, rubbing their eyes, and starting to clean up three months-worth of dog shit from their front lawns.

I’m not a fan of heat and humidity, and bitch about it with gusto. So, that makes some shortsighted people believe I don’t have the right to also complain about the cold. Ha! I can bitch about it all. Do not attempt to attach your artificial bitching rules to my life. I bitch where bitching is due. Pass the beer nuts.

In my defense, however, this was one of the worst winters in recent memory. It was just a relentless drip, drip, drip of snow and ice. It felt like we were dealing with it three or four days out of every week: shoveling and commuting on slick roads. I fell on my ass twice this winter, and that’s not my style; Jeff Kay does not generally go horizontal against his will.

The first time I fell, I broke the screen of my phone. Grrr… I have insurance on it, which costs something like $10 per month ($700 has probably been paid-out so far). But I still have to hand over another $100 to get the phone replaced. Fantastic. I’m trying to decide whether I want to pay it, or just ride it out. The phone works fine, it just has a single crack across the middle.

Yeah, I’m gonna pay it. It’s driving me insane. But if I wait a couple of weeks, it’ll feel like I gave it proper consideration. I have to play games with myself, to limit the self-loathing. God knows there’s no shortage of such things ’round these parts.

And before I call it a day here, please take a look at this tweet from an organizer of a large feminist gathering in London last week:

jazzhandsGood stuff. This thing was mocked unmercifully, all across the internet. Jazz hands! Wow. Nancy herself would likely shake her head at that one. Please be mindful. Clapping can trigger anxiety in powerful women.

I’m going to the library for a few hours now, to work on the new novel. I’m strongly considering a RETURN TO THE YURT before school lets out, and the state park is overflowing with buzzcut hicklets. Oh yeah. Stay tuned for adventure!

Another thing I was strongly considering yesterday, but a little less today… A return to TheWVSR.com. Any feelings on that? I probably won’t do it, but I might. That door is every-so-slightly ajar.

See you guys. I know this one’s a mess, but so is its author.

Have a great rest o’ the weekend!

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  1. My bitching rules are anything but artificial…

  2. Dave Cassidy says

    I’m all for a return to the WVSR if it results in more than one post a week. Reading something that is guaranteed to make me laugh is something I must have to get through my boring life.

  3. SwampCreature says

    Going back to WVSR would be awesome. I welcome the idea. Never felt at home on MIFS!

    • Wisey in Ttown says

      I concur

    • I concur regarding concurring…

      • Concour to the third.

        • I’m all for it as well. I’ve already voiced my opinions about the new url.

          • Jazzbone Swirly says

            I know this box seems really small, but it only looks like that because I just came out of the shower. I also concur regarding the return to the WVSR. The magic has just never been there for this site.

            • One more yes vote for resurrection of the WVSR

              • Some corn motherfuckers and some eggplant would really hit the spot right now. I guess that as we mature we become more nostalgic. I am all for some smoking fish and translucents. Hell, I’d even settle for a clump of dick hair in my burger. That being said, whatever you decide Sir Jeffrey is A-OK with this guy.

  4. I sometimes wonder about people who have selective allergy problems and/or back problems. I know a few people with such issues.

  5. I do have nostalgia for thewvsr.com. And if I could once again have frequent bowls of corn (motherfuckers), that would certainly improve my digestion. But in the end the name of the website doesn’t matter so much as being able to read what Jeff has to say.

    It’s springtime, and that means the transition from “bitching about the cold” season to “bitching about the heat” season. I’m an equal-opportunity bitcher.

  6. A return to TheWVSR.com would make the t-shirt that is on its way current, so I’d like that 😉

    Planted snow peas today. I am predicting no more significantly cold weather.

    • My t-shirt has been “on the way” for over a year now. I’m thinking my payment was probably added to the “beer fund” for Jeff.

  7. Rat Bastard says

    A return to WVSR? Yeah, I’m in! Also — this winter in Pennnsylvania has sucked balls, no need to apologize for bitching.

  8. I’m for it. I’m also for spring. I’m fooling myself into walking to lose weight like David wild and I couldn’t do that with ice on the ground.

  9. Nobody, I say, goes horizontal against their will, unless they are a professional wrestler. It’s just not natural.

    Bring back the WVSR, why not? It’s a catchy name. Girls like catchy names. Hey, why not name it leonardodicapriosblog.com? Might get thousands of misplaced hits off of that one.

    Spring has spring here in NC. Daffodils are up, trees are blooming, and we’re homing in on a temp that seems reasonable, with wild swings every few days just to keep us on our toes. Had to tear out the shrubs out front that got clobbered from the heavy wet snow that came down a few weeks ago…so I’m happy to welcome a turn in conditions.

  10. Given I lived across the Dunbar toll bridge for the first twenty two years of my life I’m all for going back to the WVSR. Especially if it means more frequent updates Bitch (grin)..

  11. Jerry in WV says

    WVSR – don’t resist it. Great idea to bring it back. It has bear sorely missed.

  12. Jerry in WV says

    Been, not bear. Bears are never missed. They will eat you.

  13. I love The West Virginia Surf Report!
    I could also use some more Smoking Fish T-shirts.

  14. Jeremy Wiley says

    Man go back to the Surf Report for the old timers, if you do I can wear the t shirts again.

  15. Steve in WV says

    Would love to see a rebirth of The WVSR. Would love to browse the old front page archives, too. I have passed the time on many flights, my boy’s basketball practices, and other dreadful events by rereading some of the front page stuff. Miss it dearly.

  16. Swami Balogna says

    Yes, to thewvsr.com.

  17. sunshine_in_va says

    Whatever gets your mojo back, Jeff – I’m all for it.

    Barring that – at least tell us how Nostrildamus is making out these days.

  18. Looks like the ayes have it.

  19. revashane says

    Over the years I have discovered shoveling horse poo is easier in the winter. A hand warmer shoved in the toe of my boots and I’m good to go. The second I start to sweat I start to bitch but I still have the same amount of poo to shovel. I’ll be better off this summer because my brother found me a 12 inch brimmed straw hat. Yee Haa I’ma gonna look like Yosemite Sam!! Without the mustache and hatred of rabbits.

  20. I like The WVSR. If people don’t understand what it means, that just makes the name mysterious and intriguing.until they dig a little deeper. They’ll figure it out. And this gray grid makes my eyes tired and is not conducive to comedy.

  21. squawvalleyskip says

    I still have the link to the WVSR in my favorites. Just couldn’t make myself take it out. So, yeah. No complaints from me on that. And maybe a return to the occasional N&N updates. It’s been “spring” here all damn winter. Friday it was in the 90’s. Down in the 80’s now, for the foreseeable future. Going to be a rough year with only something like 8% of normal snowpack in the Sierras. Hope my well doesn’t give up and leave me without water. One of these days I’ll be able to retire and convince the wife to move back to the great white north, where I seriously long to be. Winter makes one feel alive.

  22. YES x infinity. The WVSR was never broke, and never needed fixing (or replacing, just more frequent attention towards the end). Absolutely, all for reviving the WVSR.

    In the words of annoying Lincoln pitchman Matthew McConaughey, “Sometimes you have to go back to move forward”.!!!!!!!!!

  23. Yay to the wvsr.

    I went ass over teakettle about 2 weeks ago. I landed so hard on my knees, that my eyeglasses actually bounced twice on my face.

    I question most people’s so called maladys. But I did hear of a freak malpractice where a woman went in for some minor surgery and the surgeon ended up snipping her lung.

  24. For the sake of Nostalgia even. Classic Zines, the pioneers, need to stick around. Let others discover open writing when looking through archives. You may see the wvsr as simply a good memory, but those of us who are familiar with zines before the internet craze took off have a soft spot in our hearts for these things. The writing is different. Can’t put my finger on why, but there is a subtle difference in delivery vs todays upstarts simply starting off with a blog. Zines where writers. Blogs are any wannabe.
    And quite frankly, as an old timer, the current url does not suit the nature of the writer. It does not imply any seriousness at all. Your writing runs a wide range and the url limits the general impression. Plus in todays internet age of employers watching what you do on the internet, I probably wouldn’t even look at the url from work if I have never been here regardless of what the google search blurb has presented.
    So back to your roots my man, it is a worthy conveyance of your writings.

  25. Bring back the WVSR!

  26. Yes to WVSR!

  27. Skippy in WV says

    Bring back the WVSR!

  28. Wow! I know this sounds unbelievable, but over the weekend a random thought passed through my mind: “Would Jeff Kay ever consider a return to the WVSR website?” Not sure why that entered my stream-of-consciousness, but I’ll just chalk it up to quantum entanglement. Anyhow, I vote “yes!” The WVSR has sentimental value, and its the repository for all my fave stories about gastric distress.

  29. Absolutely revive thewvsr.com url. And a run of smoking fish t-shirts would be awesome.

  30. Crazy injury story.

    I was helping a neighbor, Don, install vinyl siding one summer (about 1980?)

    Air pressure nail guns were gaining popularity and Don had just bought a new one that would handle 20 or 30 penny nails, can’t remember which. He was climbing a wooden ladder, lost his balance, and shot a big nail through his boot, his foot, and a rung on the wooden ladder.

    I had to saw through the ladder rung and take him the the ER with the ladder rung still nailed to his foot. Some doctors and nurses could not hide their laughter on the way to the X-Ray lab.

  31. Surly Shawn says

    Annnnnd….I just threw up, reading your medical story.

  32. johnthebasket says

    Jeff . . .

    While I have never thought the name “Maturity is for Suckers” reflects much of your life or ours — good Lord, you’ve matured from a half-drunk grocery store monkey to a stably married man putting two sons through college — it’s hard to understand how changing the name of the blog back to The WVSR is going to de-fuck your life. The suggestion looks like the worst case of the post hoc ergo propter hoc fallacy since the Reagan administration.

    Obviously, the promotion hasn’t improved either your schedule or your appetite for trice-weekly postings. Understandable, since burnout comes from inside rather than out, but too bad because burnout affects your entire life and your health, not just your blog entries. When you have to leave your house to get a chapter written in your new book, there’s a pretty good chance that the prospect of returning to daily updates is years away rather than weeks. I’m sorry to see that, and not just because I admire and enjoy your writing: you have some right to the pursuit of happiness under the Geneva Convention or the Legionnaire’s Convention or the Elk’s Lodge — hell, it’s covered somewhere — that you’re not enjoying at the present.

    The notion of some of the correspondents that changing the name of the blog will reunite Nancy and her husband, give you an extra ten hours of free time a week, and place you in enough Three Stooges situations to generate grist for the blogging mills seems, well, optimistic. Optimism is a fine thing if it doesn’t lead to gunrunning (see Reagan note above).

    I do want to say that “The West Virginia Surf Report” is a clever name that contains at least two jokes and a setup, and web-historical significance, as well as a remembrance of zines past. It contains the verbal kind of magic that writers long for, but, sadly, not the Tinkerbell kind that will fix your life. Were that words could save us.

    I wish you well.


    • revashane says

      Eloquently put John. I thought the same thing in that a name change would not change the shit in Jeff’s life. I’ve never been pulled to a site because of its name. I stumble on an article, if I like it , bookmark it THATS when I discover the site name.

      I’ve discovered that journaling helps digest the bullshit of life. I would think that if Jeff journaled more (hint,hint) with names changed (to protect the innocent) he could use us as a mental health outlet. He has been for years but never realized it.

  33. I’m only guessing, but I think you changed the name to be a bit more commercial and attract a larger audience and I get that. I think that there IS a larger audience of adults who feel like maturity is overrated. So, I support the name change.

    However, the WVSR was also awesome, so if you consider this a failed experiment and move back there, I’m good with that too. Basically, I’ll read you wherever you plant your flag.

    Just keep writing!


  35. And I’ve been thinking about this… I can’t come up with a single scenario – not one – in which jazz hands would be appropriate.

  36. Fenian1798 says

    I miss The WVSR, but as others have said, I doubt a reversal in URL changes the fact that Jeff is burnt out. I am but an outsider, who has laughed at “our” brand of humor here for a couple years. I wish nothing but inner peace to our host.

    Maybe someday we reach the high water mark of WVSR, most likely not. We all grow up. Some at 20 some at 70. I’m not quite there yet at a fresh 34.

    • burned out and probably too busy/tired to spend time regularly updating. Jeff wants to please us but it is obvious he isn’t able to spend the time anymore.

  37. Uncle Wedgie says

    Damn it! Where are my box scores?!
    I would love to see the WVSR back as long as we could get regular N&N (or just N) stories. I came to the site because of the garden gnome but stayed for the N&N.

  38. Someone check the obituaries for Mr. Jeff Kay. He’s been MIA for over a week. I have coupon codes for crematoriums and funeral service. I haven’t laughed since the last update and I’m ready to go “postal”.

    I need to know whats been happening on the devil’s highway, college kids, and see through children most of all.

    Jeff may be dead. Someone needs to hack one of these God Damn websites and post something funny or cops will start shooting innocent civilians……Wait..Shit…we are already screwed..

  39. Bill in WV says


  40. 12 days now……

  41. Jerry in WV says

    Someone go check the yurt.

  42. madz1962 says

    I think the older boy was probably home for Easter and maybe even spring break so we took aback seat to this home coming. Jeff will be back soon.

    • johnthebasket says

      Good Lord, Madz — do you not realize that April 9 is the anniversary of Lee’s surrender at Appomattox Court House? That ought to be worth a couple of weeks off for today’s academically intense colleges.

      Just joking, of course, Jeff, but colleges do seem to have comically frequent breaks. I’m sure, though, that your son is getting a fine education.


      • johnthebasket says

        Just by the way, April 9 is also the anniversary of the signing of the Treaty of Lodi (1454) (later commemorated by the Creedence Clearwater Revival song). That oughta be worth an afternoon off anyway.

  43. Swami Bologna says

    I think Jeff is so devastated by the number of people who want to bring back The WVSR (and therefore are giving an unspoken “thumbs down” to MifS), that it’s taking him a while to recover from the blow to his psyche.

  44. I love all things Jeff. I didn’t feel much of a difference between the sites. I’m for either one. It’d be nice to see an “hey I’m alive update” once a week or so. I feel like a lot of us feel like we’ve got to know him without actually meeting over the years and do care. The people who actually stopped reading because of the change can go fuck themselves.

  45. Just checked these.com he hasn’t shown up there either.

  46. Just a random thought. I wonder if there is any way, that while Jeff is indisposed, that we could have some of our esteemed membership fill in as “guest'” bloggers? Could be kinda interesting.

  47. 16 days!

  48. MikefromLI says

    Jeff’s probably busy finishing up his taxes. Maybe we’ll hear from him on the 16th.

  49. bikerchick says

    Howdy kids…..stopped by for a good LOL moment but I see our leader has R-U-N-N-O-F-T. Hope everything is OK at the other end of PA.

  50. johnthebasket says

    When this world is getting you down,
    And nothing is in its right place;
    Your friends are lettin’ you down,
    And you can’t seem to find the right face.

    All you want is me,
    All you need is me to give you

    Rest cure for all your ills
    Rest cure to make the world stand still,
    Rest cure and the world will bring you down no more.

    When livin’ becomes just a task,
    And your burden’s too heavy to bear,
    And life is travellin’ so fast,
    That colours become just a glare.

    You can lean on me
    And take my eyes to see, to give you

    Rest cure for all your ills
    Rest cure to make the world stand still,
    Rest cure and the world will bring you down no more.

    Take my hand and I’ll show you where
    The love can banish all your worries and despair

    When you can’t cling onto the past,
    Cause you’re not proud of anything you’ve done.
    And each moment seems like your last,
    Cause you’re robbed of all you’ve won.

    All you want is me
    All you need is me to give you

    Rest cure for all your ills
    Rest cure to make the world stand still,
    Rest cure and the world will bring you down no more.

    Rest Cure by Arthur Brown @ June, 1968


  51. Jazzbone Swirly says

    Every night I tell myself
    “I am the cosmos, I am the wind”
    But that don’t get you back again

    Just when I was starting to feel okay
    You’re on the phone
    I never wanna be alone

    Never wanna be alone
    I hate to have to take you home
    Wanted too much to say no, no
    Yeah, yeah, yeah
    Yeah, yeah, yeah

    Never wanna be alone
    I hate to have to take you home
    Want you too much to say no, no
    Yeah, yeah, yeah
    Yeah, yeah, yeah

    My feeling’s always have been something
    I couldn’t hide, I can’t confide
    Don’t know what’s going on inside

    So every night I tell myself
    “I am the cosmos, I am the wind”
    But that don’t get you back again

    I’d really like to see you again
    I really wanna see you again
    I’d really like to see you again
    I really wanna see you again
    I’d really like to see you again
    I really wanna see you again
    I never wanna see you again
    I really wanna see you again

    I am The Cosmos by Chris Bell (1974?)

  52. Well, all right then:

    We’re no strangers to love
    You know the rules and so do I
    A full commitment’s what I’m thinking of
    You wouldn’t get this from any other guy

    I just want to tell you how I’m feeling
    Gotta make you understand

    Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down
    Never gonna run around and desert you
    Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye
    Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

    …and so forth.

    • Jazzbone Swirly says

      promise you won’t do that again (please)

    • johnthebasket says

      I’ve never been textually rickrolled. It’s almost time for that damn duck on wheels.

      Wow, we went from a suggestion that Jeff needs a rest cure to Rick Astley in less time than it takes Madonna to polish her bra. And, unlike us, that woman has a little buffer.


      • “Little buffer”.

        Anyone else immediately picture a midget with a rag and a tin of wax?

  53. Seriously – what has happened to Jeff!? I’m weirdly attached to hearing about a guy’s life that I’ve never met )but know more about than some people I talk to every day). I have a 10 year old smokin’ fish t-shirt that reminds me that a part of my soul is missing. Come back.
    Is that creepy enough to get a response Jeff? 🙂

  54. New job! Started yesterday!

    • bikerchick says

      *jazz hands*

    • Excellent! Better than the old one? Or at least not worse?

      • Engineering job so way better.

        • Excellent. Can’t wait until I can say the same.

          Unemployment sucks. I’m bored out of my mind.

          But I did just put a bid in on a condo because that’s what one does when one has no income.

          • an unemployed friend just bought a house. Unemployed single mothers do that I guess.
            what sucks is another job is courting me. It’d be better money but I just got this job and my resume is too full of me hopping. But this is a contract job so blurgh.

            • I’ve found that the fastest way to grow your income is to job-hop. The saying in the dot-com days was that “you get 10% just for moving.” That’s worked for me exactly once, and I haven’t followed my own advice; been at the same place since 2001. And back when things were booming – say, mid 2000s – I would get calls all the time from competitors or headhunters wanting to hire me. It would be nice if those calls still came.

  55. 19 days…

  56. Bring back the goddamned WVSR and give me my fucking box scores!