A Few Quick Things, vol. 61

eat beardI took a vacation day on Thursday, to stretch the weekend a bit, and… once again, couldn’t sleep. I think I’ve officially reached the point where I can only get a good night’s sleep if I work until 1:30 a.m. Anything else throws me off, and I’m left thrashing and wallowing in bed until the birds are chirpin’.

This is new, my friends. Sleep has always come easily to your husky correspondent. I mocked people who said they had such problems. “Oh please. You just get in bed, and let it happen,” I always thought to myself, in a haughty John Kerry-like brain voice. And here I am, being paid back for my insensitivity.

There’s one good thing that’s come from all this, though: I’m reading the shit outta some books. I’ve been ripping through thick novels like they’re pamphlets. I always complain about not having enough time to read, and now I’ve got AMPLE time. It’s like an O. Henry story – one of his lesser works, admittedly.

A recent aggravation: Earlier in the week I received an email from my hosting company, telling me I can longer remain on my current plan. My site (or sites, I guess) are eating up more than their fair share of resources. So, here we go again…

This happened once before, if you remember, with my previous company. But they gave me no warning, and just yanked everything off the internet. At least these guys gave me five days to decide what to do.

But there are still problems. First of all, it’s supposed to be unlimited everything, including traffic. So, how have I reached my traffic limit? Rest assured, I can’t win this one. But I believe it’s a valid point, regardless.

And… the plan they suggested costs $72 per month. Right now I’m paying $15. It feels like I’m being shaken down, and this exact same kind of thing caused me to leave my previous host in a huff.

But, I’ve been doing a lot of reading, and these “unlimited” hosting plans on a shared server only work if you get less than 2000 pageviews per day. That’s apparently the limit for unlimited. Anything above that, and they’ll force you into something new, and more expensive. It’s pretty standard stuff, I learned.

I had a conversation with the guy who does technical work for me, and he tells me I really only have two options: keep moving around from host to host, or bite the bullet and upgrade. Dammit!

I’m negotiating with the current company, and they do seem willing to meet me in the middle somewhere on the price, so that’s good. Something is supposed to be finalized today on it. I’m probably going to be moved from a server shared by 800 (or so) websites, to one shared by only a handful. Hence the higher cost.

I can’t (and won’t) pay $72 per month. But I love the idea of not having to worry about this crap anymore. I’m willing to pay a little extra, if they’ll stop hassling me about traffic. Can’t a man just broadcast his idiocy in peace?! Hopefully we’ll be able to come to an agreement that works for both of us.

And speaking of traffic, please help me make matters worse. This week I launched a new regular feature, called the Wednesday Name Game. You can check it out here. I have high hopes for this thing, but will need your participation. This week we’re collecting stories about people named Lisa. So… if you have any you’d like to share, please do so.

I’ll hit you guys with a new name every Wednesday, and hope you’ll leave your stories in the comments. Over time, we’ll build a master page where all the names are listed, and it could turn into something pretty cool. But participation is key. Please share your stories, and tell your Facebook friends about the game, too. Thanks, as always, for your support.

An important question: Is there anything in today’s modern world with a higher failure rate than the stapler? Seriously. Every stapler I’ve used, during my entire life, shits the bed around 33% of the time. I have a feeling they haven’t been improved upon since, I don’t know… World War I. I remain deeply disappointed in the stapler. Can you think of anything that does a worse job?

And I believe I’ve mentioned that our family’s main bank is in Hollywood, California. It’s actually a credit union for the entertainment industry, which we joined in 1996. Everybody in the WEA building used them. So we jumped on the bandwagon, and it’s been great. Best banking experience of my life, so far.

When we moved to Pennsylvania we didn’t want to give them up, so we just continued. Our paychecks are direct deposited there, and the ATM at Sheetz has no fees… so, there’s almost no downside. Plus, their debit cards are really cool. The current one has a picture of a field with 1940s microphones growing in it. I get a lot of comments about it.

Anyway, they just revamped their website, and I had to select some new security questions. There are about 25 to choose from, and some are pretty unusual.

Like: What’s the first movie you worked on? Or: Who is your favorite showrunner?

Needless to say, I went with the more traditional ones, like: What was the last name of your first grade teacher? I find that I have little to no opinions about showrunners, and have only appeared in home movies, looking like a Campbell’s Soup kid with clinical depression.

I always wondered what the tellers thought about my paltry checking balances, stacked up against Clint Eastwood’s, or the big movie execs that bank there. I bet that credit union, more than most, is a rich man/poor man situation. Ya know?

I hope you’re having a great holiday. Ours is only so-so, if you want to know the truth. I think it might be time to introduce a little beer to the proceedings. Beer will fix it! I think that’s in the Bible.

And that’s enough of my disjointed ramblings for one day. Thank you for reading. Please tell a friend about the site if you’re enjoying it, or an enemy if you’re not. It looks like I’m going to be paying for a bunch of extra bandwidth, so let’s use that shit up!

I’ll leave you now with a Question to ponder: If you were a criminal, wanting to lay low and blend in with your current surroundings, how would you dress? I’d have to go with a one-size-too-small t-shirt with packed-out cig pocket, tucked into a dark pair of Wranglers, and a filthy baseball cap advertising a company that sells and rents heavy machinery.

What about you? Please use the comments link below.

And I’ll see you guys again on Monday!


  1. The Mole says

    I enjoyed this post the most. Go figure.

  2. I have a stapler in my desk that was made in the early 1960s. It still works great. They don’t make things like they use to.

  3. I have found most stapler problems are caused by cheaping out on the staples.

  4. Loved this post – when I saw Mr. Redneck Potato Head’s photo I knew it’d be a classic. “Can’t a man just broadcast his idiocy in peace?” For the record my stapler at work is about the only thing that works properly. Ok maybe the tape dispenser too. And credit unions rock. Happy 4th! Have many beers!

  5. The sleep karma has gotten you, the garlic karma is next.

  6. No stapler gripes here.
    I had to look up the definition of showrunner.
    Happy 4th to all.
    Looking forward to the end of the world on July 5th, 1998.
    Praise “Bob”.

  7. Mike Narmour says

    For the last 5 years or so, I cannot buy a kitchen or bathroom faucet that works drip-free for more than two years. Of course they all come with a “lifetime warranty”, but try to use it! Read the fine print and it turns out they only promise to replace the defective parts. So they send you a new diverter, or whatnot, and you have to rebuild their piece-of-shiite faucet like you’re a Price Pfister technician or something. I don’t think my parents EVER replaced a faucet in our house the entire 20 years I lived with them. I have a good, old-fashioned washer-equipped faucet in my basement that’s probably 25 years old and still works like a champion….and I haven’t replaced a washer in it in the last 16 years. Way to half-ass everything by importing from China people…just sayin’.

  8. I really love and appreciate these secret updates. I’ll tell you what’s shit, it’s the little wire loop that you’re supposed to balance eggs on while dying them for Easter. Absurd.

    Overalls are perfect for blending in. In fact, when I see someone in overalls I call the NSA because I assume that they are on the lam: “It’s Jason again. Spotted another ne’er-do-well at the Home Depot.”

    • Jeannette says

      My 3 year old almost cried after I accidentally cracked a third egg using that stupid wire loop spoon thing. Screw that.

  9. Jeannette says

    Shower heads. Goddamnit, we cannot get a shower head that isn’t a specialfuckingsnowflake, requiring constant retightening, new parts, etc.

    Where I live, we play Hipster or Homeless? on a regular basis. If you’ve got ridiculous facial hair, skinny jeans and chucks…you’re fitting in VERY well. You could also be sporting a ratty flannel, ironic t-shirt, and dingy board shorts and also look like you belong. Criminals, do-gooders, homeless, and business owners really all look alike here. Maybe I should use this to my advantage?

    • I play “crazy or Bluetooth” when I see someone muttering to themselves. I’m rarely wrong – it’s mostly crazies.

  10. revashane says

    Never buy VIKING!!!!!!!!

  11. madz1962 says

    You have to use swingline staples. Anything else is a piece if crap no matter what kind of stapler you have.

    If I was on the lam, I’d probably pick up something non descript in kohls . They have pretty generic shit.

    Doing lots of reading, too. I need a release from work big time and to me, there is nothing like getting lost in a good book.

  12. Dorothy B. Raught says

    hiding here? just dress amish. only thing difficult would be to find a costume. women wear bonnets and men have beards plus funny sombreros. can’t see them for fuck.

  13. the three hole punch is my enemy…

  14. bikerchick says

    In these parts, a backwards baseball cap, Harley T-shirt, ripped dirty jeans, and cowboy boots are all you need to look “blended”. No bike? Just tell everyone it’s in the shop getting all the capacitator’s replaced.

    We replaced our 25 year old dishwasher with a spankin’ sparklin’ new stainless steel front one when we remodeled the kitchen. It’s worse than the old one. Glasses are cloudy. Dishes have dried food particles on them. And it smells like death when I open it. I practically have to wash the fucking dishes before they’re loaded in. New doesn’t always mean better.

  15. Phil Jett says

    Around these parts it is a DeKalb or Pioneer corn hat, wife beater (hot weather) or flannel (cool weather) and Lee or Wrangler jeans with boots. If you are going to drive around you better have a truck that is at least ten years old with at least thirteen dents.

  16. My whole (hole?) pool is one big piece of malfunction. The booster pump (replaced), then the pool sweep (replaced with a robot pool Roomba thing), then the filter, then the plaster, then the pipes, now the main pump as of this weekend. I should have just filled this one in with dirt and built a new one behind it! Staplers are great, though. I have one of this electric ones at my desk for the one or two times a month I need to staple something.

    Fitting in in Waco Texas… Jeans, plaid, and a skol can will get the job done.

  17. My stapler is a Bostich Stanley stapler, gifted to me by a government employee who stole it. I have a friend who cannot use it correctly. He sort of slaps it harder and harder, mutilating staples. I keep telling him to do it firmly. So, he picks it up and squeezes, just a mediocre squeeze. I put the stapler down on a hard surface and mash it firmly. Even with little cheap, two dollar staplers, a firm shove is necessary. Of course, those staplers tear up lots sooner.

    What kind of place do you live that you would fit in dressed like you describe? I would dress just like I do and not draw a bit of attention.

    Buy some Natrol Melatonin with vit B6. It works like a charm with me. Reading would keep me awake until dawn.

  18. Lucie in Tampa says

    Staplers…. Grrrr… We use them all day at work & no matter which kind they get us, they Suck!!!! Ha ha, except one of my co-workers has his own Swingline just like Milton’s… He does the voice perfectly… We also want to reenact the copier scene with our POS…
    To blend in? I would have to put on a strapless sundress & wear flip flops & a big floppy hat. I hate all of those things & I’m surrounded by them down here…

  19. Jazzbone Swirly says

    I’ll take $4 million for four years off of my life. Thanks.

  20. I’ll take the updates whenever I can. Every Monday? No problem here. That actually gives me something to look forward to.
    My only question on the $1,000,000 per year off of your life; I’m thinking we don’t know when we’re going to die, right? That’s the gamble part of it.
    I’d probably trade in 5 years. The money sounds more appealing than convalescing on a death bed, shitting my shorts…

  21. …and why is there an update from July 4th, 2014 showing? This is weird.

    • No shit! I was reading along until he got to holiday and I was “wtf”, did I miss holiday or something?

  22. johnthebasket says

    We’ve been concatenated.

    I’m an active podcast listener, but I’ve never been able to make it through an entire Carolla program, though I’ve tried several times. The Fogelnest Files was funny and informative, but it’s long gone. The Probably Science guys are humorous, and Penn Jillette is an acquired taste which I’ve acquired; Matt and Mattingly’s Ice Cream Social is worth a listen.

    I’ve worked some badass jobs. I always assumed I was trading income for heartbeats at the end. I supposed I’ve made two or three million bucks, but I swear I lost way more than two or three years.

    Life is too short as it is.


  23. What’s happening?
    In awesome news one of the best bands out of Ohio (Two Cow Garage) is opening for the Replacements on May 6th in Columbus.

  24. A recycled post? In honor of earth day?

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