A Few Quick Things, vol. 146

assassinHow are you guys doing? It feels like it’s been a long time, again. I’ll try to do better. In the meantime, let’s get caught up on some random shit, yo.

The older boy was home for Thanksgiving, and it went well. I drove down there to pick him up on Tuesday, and Toney took him back yesterday. Now he has one week of classes, another week of finals, and he’s off for SIX WEEKS. Yeah, that’s a long time.

Oh, I like for him to be here. But the part that drives me a little crazy is his alternative clock, whereby the day’s activities begin around 10 pm. Everything leading up to it is watching TV or playing guitar, or whatever. Then around 10: “Do you mind if I go out for a while?”

And I can’t sleep, whatsoever, until he’s home safe. I always pin him down to a specific time when he’ll be home (“I need a number! Give me a number!!”), and he doesn’t seem to like that. You know, ’cause he’s an independent college student now. But tough shit.

Other than that minor annoyance, though, it was a good visit. It feels like we’ve figured it out, finally. But six weeks is going to be a long time.

While driving to the school on Tuesday, I had to urinate with a fiery urgency, and was also hungry for cheap sack-food. But not McDonald’s, I vowed. Anything but McDonald’s.

I saw a sign that indicated the upcoming exit had a McDonald’s, and also an Arby’s. The latter sounded good, so I left the interstate. …And the Arby’s was closed for renovations. Dammit! I had to pee so bad, I ended up at McDonald’s anyway. It’s like a black hole in space, that sucks up all the energy around it.

I peeled back some porcelain, and ordered three regular hamburgers with no pickles. And as I was toting the sack to my car, I spotted an old lady sitting on the sidewalk, with her purse dumped out. Her legs were splayed, and she was dabbing sweat off her forehead.

I walked over, and asked if she was OK. “Help me to my feet,” she said. “I tripped over that curb, and hurt my knee.” I got her uprighted, and another lady hustled over and got her purse put back together for her.

“Thank you,” she said. “People were walking past me, and over me. I appreciate it.”

Wow. People were stepping OVER her? Can that be true? That’s some cold shit, sure to earn someone an aisle seat on the Hell Express.

She wobbled into the restaurant, repeating the phrase, “I’m OK. I’m OK.” Hopefully she didn’t order any of that Chernobyl coffee. I don’t think she was stable enough for liquids of that temperature.

My birthday was yesterday, and it’s nothing to be celebrated. Especially at my advanced age. As Adam Carolla says, even Hitler was born. It’s not that great of an achievement.

I spent most of the day procrastinating about a new wireless router that’s been sitting in a box for several weeks. I didn’t want to get into it, but Comcast was hounding us, telling us it needed to be set up and activated. I just knew it would be a cluster-copulation, and put it off as long as possible.

But it worked out well. I’m sincerely amazed. And the service seems a lot faster, too. That’s a hell of a birthday present, right there. Something that would usually cause me to lose my everlovin’ shit, shout profanity, and alienate my whole family — avoided. The universe gave me a fine, fine gift.

I have more, and will continue this tomorrow. Screw the schedule. In the meantime, please remember to use our Amazon links while doing your holiday shopping. They’re all over the site, including one right below this, and any will work.

And for a Question, please just tell us how your Thanksgiving went. Were there fistfights, massive head trauma, or anything exciting? Please tell us about it in the comments.

Have a great day.

I’ll see you tomorrow!

Support us by doing your holiday shopping at Amazon! If you’re in Canada, here’s your link. Thank you guys!


  1. Happy Birthday!

  2. Had a good time seeing the family this weekend. I crashed hard on thursday at 8 pm (had been up for 24 hrs with a work shift then drive then wine and family). I missed family trivia but the girlfriend held her own.
    Yesterday I watched 1941 for the first time.

  3. Swami Bologna says

    I can’t figure out how Jeff’s birthday was automatically showing on my Google Calendar (Sunday, November 30, “Jeff Kay’s birthday,” with a slice-of-birthday-cake icon). Why does Google know that I read Jeff’s blog, and why is Google so presumptuous as to think I need to have his birthday added to my calendar? (Not that it actually bothers me that Jeff’s birthday is on my calendar; it just bothers me that Google knows enough about my web-habits as to automatically add it.)

  4. The Comcast router is a good thing.

  5. It pains me to say I can believe people would walk over an old woman. Sad beyond words. On the other hand, today I was standing on line with about 70 other people to purchase gift certificates to a steak house (Buy $100, get $200 in food and drink – COME ON – no wonder there was a line). Anyway, some dumbass lady driving one of those huge Ford Explorer thingy’s (this looked bigger but I don’t know the model) tried for 12 minutes to park. And we all stood there watching – nobody trying to guide her in. Mind you, this was just a regular pull in parking spot. It’s not like she was parallel parking in midtown Manhattan. Every time she pulled in she was within denting distance of the car next to her. I ALMOST wanted to help, but I thought, Jesus, if she can’t maneuver this simple operation, maybe it’s time she trade in the yacht for a smaller dinghy.

    • The Excursion is the jumbo of the bunch.

      • And the poor lass needed a Fiesta! Thanks for setting me straight on the model, Walter!

      • I rode in an Excursion one time. I was surprised at how relatively cramped the interior was, given its outward hugeness.

    • JR in Sammamish says

      That’s better than watching someone in a SMART car making a 14 point turn to try to get into a normal parking space.

    • I don’t help people try to park. Now I’m involved with their lack of ability and if they insist on fucking up they can blame it on me. Fuck off and figure it out yourself (G.O.A.L.= Get. Out. And. Look, in truckers lingo) or go buy one of those little egg shells with wheels I see pretending to be a car. I think they come with handles attached so you can move them around like a grocery cart if you need to. I’ve helped (and been helped by) “big truck” drivers when asked to spot them trying to put their 53 foot trailer into a tight spot to hit a dock. I know him and he knows me even though we’ve never met. And as far as that old lady sitting in the gutter with her purse all spilled open…I don’t fall for that trick. The old broad is trying to get me arrested for knocking her down and trying to steal her purse. She’ll start yelling blue bloody hell as soon as I get to within three foot of her. Then…an out of work hot dog vendor along with a drag queen dressed like Cher will proceed beat the shit out of me while six Japanese tourists record the event on their Nikon camcorders. I’ve dodged that bullet more times than I care to mention.

  6. Pretty good time with family Thursday. A couple of family members I can do with or without were out. More turkey and less drama, “It’s a good thing.”

    Four days off in a row, damn near couldn’t remember where I left off.

    Just spent 200 scoobies with the link, don’t spend it all in one place.

  7. Our family gathered at my parent’s house for TG. My nieces are all vegan, my brother is vegetarian, my sister-in-law can’t have gluten, and I’m not allowed to have carbs due to my beetis. My mother was beside herself trying to figure out what everyone would eat… turns out my nieces made their own vegan stew and salads, my brother brought something that was vegetarian but not vegan, my sister-in-law and I just ate a regular turkey dinner without any of the potatoes, stuffing, cranberry salad or deserts.

    My 83 year old grandfather got in a fender bender on the way to there and just about wiped out the rest of the family trying to leave. He was saying he can’t believe it… he just replaced that bumper last week after my grandma hit a parked car in the exact same spot he hit a parked car.

    I’m thinking of just foregoing TG from here on out. I’ve never been a big fan of any of it.

    • Shame about those vega and vegetarians. We went the other way this year and my wife shoved pepperoni slices under the turkey skin prior to baking. It added a much more flavorful taste to an often dry turkey. Plus she baked a smoked ham covered in a tasty glaze.

      Weekend was uneventful and restful but today at work was a real bitch of a day.

  8. bikerchick says

    Just the two of us for Thanksgiving. Never left the house. His parents live 2 miles away and we didn’t get off the couch except to shovel food into gullets. I had sweat pants on all day. They really served their purpose with the elastic wasteband stretched to the max. I think I heard them, at one point, scream for help.

  9. Just a regular work day up here in Canukistan. =-)

  10. Surly Shawn says

    Happy birthday!

  11. johnthebasket says

    Jeff . . .

    Congrats. You’re now old enough to smoke dope legally in Washington.


  12. Me and the Mrs. drove over into God’s country (Pocahontas County) West Virginia to spend the holiday with my sister and her husband, another sister and my brother. Hit heavy snow once we got off of 64 in White Sulphur Springs and white-knuckled it up WV-92 for 50 miles. Ten inches of snow had already fallen by the time we got there and power was out to sister’s log home and the surrounding area. Power was out for about 20 hours until TGiving evening. But, they have a nice generator and all was well. Two Buck stoves also helped. Beautiful country, especially covered with snow, about 10 minutes from Snowshoe. Ate until I looked pregnant, but had a blast. No complaints, just good time visiting with family that don’t get together all that often.