A Few Quick Things, vol. 146

shitshitshitOne more week, and I’ll be rejoining the human race. I feel all weird and isolated, and completely cut-off. All I do is work and sleep, almost literally. But next Monday I’ll be returning to a 40-hour (or so) work week. It’ll feel like I have a part-time job.

Please give me a week to adjust, and we’ll return to the old schedule here: FOCUSED updates on Monday and Thursday, and a super-secret all-over-the-place Friday update for subscribers of the mailing list.

Sorry I’ve gotten so far off-track with this thing. I’ve been working between 55 and 60 hours per week, and it feels like I’ve been lobotomized most of the time. I should’ve just moved to China and started installing iPhone screens, and gotten it over with.

But, only one more week of this horseshit. There’s light at the end of the tunnel — and this time I don’t think it’s a train bearing down on me.

The whole world is encased in a thick layer of ice this morning. It’s like the neighborhood is laminated. Toney tried to go to work, and turned around and came back. School is closed (of course), and I’m supposed to leave for work in about an hour.

I’m going to try to make it. But I’m telling ya… I’m officially sick of it. Every Monday! It’s like God has a recurring Outlook reminder: It’s Monday, screw around with the Northeast USA…

Do you think God uses Outlook? I don’t see why not.

I was invited to appear on a Web-based TV show called HuffPost Live, or somesuch. They wanted me to come on and discuss an article I wrote back in 2012, about farting. This one, in fact.

I would have appeared live, via webcam, at 3 pm last Friday afternoon. And I have a feeling I would’ve been asked to defend my admitted gender-based double-standard as it pertains to farting. I would’ve been on trial, I believe, because I’m not a fan of the sisterhood blasting ass. Yet I give the dudes a pass.

Sounds like fun, right? Unfortunately I was forced to decline their invitation. I’m flattered that I’m still one of the go-to guys for such matters, though. Heh. Wait till my new novel comes out… It’ll surely cement my reputation.

Do you remember these things? We used to make them when I was a kid, and I’d almost totally blocked ’em out of my memory. It looks like they’re still available. I need to seek one out. I can still remember how they tasted. Crazy!

A couple of things I don’t understand… Maybe you guys can help me?

Toney was recently sick, and went to an Urgent Care kind of place. One of the first things they asked her, was “Were you originally born in Pennsylvania?”

First of all, I object to the phrase “originally born.” But, let’s not get sidetracked… Why would they need to know such a thing? Toney’s from Nevada. How is this information helpful to them? I don’t get it.

Also, a friend at work told me recently that folks’ feet usually increase in size as they get older. Is this true? If so, why? Fatter, I can see. But she says that’s not it. People just naturally go up a half or whole size during their adult years. Why?? Help me out, my friends.

And I need to go chisel the door of my car open now. Wish me luck on my 40 mile trek to work in this crap. Every Monday!! Grrr…

Have a great day, boys and girls.

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  1. Jazzbone Swirly says


    • Jazzbone Swirly says

      …and my feet did indeed grow about a half-size back in my early 40s. How did I first discover this, you may be asking yourself. Well, I bought a new pair of hiking boots and proceeded to use them on a rather long hike to break them in. I managed to hammer off one of my big toe nails on that particular hike. Good times.

  2. The Qweezy Mark says

    I wore a size 11 shoe for my entire life. Now I am in an 11 1/2 or 12, depending on the shoe.

  3. Swami Bologna says

    I was a 12 in my late teens. Sometime in my 20s to 30s I became a 13. And these days (early 50s), I generally buy 14s.

  4. I was asked (at the Doctor’s office) if I had been out of the country recently. I think it has to do with whatever killer diseases are floating around from time to time.

  5. Mike the ripper says

    The flashback farting update was hysterical! A blast from the past!

  6. Smartass me decided to take my 3 personal choice holidays every Monday this month. I won’t get paid for them as my last day hurdles towards me on Feb 27th. Every goddamn Monday so far I’ve been shovelling snow. Some vacation.

    My feet grew but lately I ordered my new size 8 and the last few pairs have been too big. Thank god for zappos. They have A great return policy.

  7. I remember those pizza kits. i also seem to remember they kinda tasted n smelled like vomit.

  8. Have there been Friday updates emailed recently? Because I haven’t received any for a while, which I attributed to Jeff’s busy schedule.

    I absolutely remember the pizza kits. We’d have them just about every Friday when I was a kid. I think the arrival of ready-made crusts crippled sales the Boyardee kits, I mean who’s got time to let dough rise and do all that rolling?

    • I’ve read this one or two other places. Who rolls pizza dough? The procedure is to stretch it with your hands. Throwing it in the air is optional; some consider that to be showboating.

  9. I’ve been a size 12 for my entire adult life to the best of my knowledge.

  10. I didn’t get mail today, there was a note on my mailbox “can’t open it”, and she’s right, nor could I. Damn thing was solidly iced shut. Lovely.

  11. I don’t know about men, but women who have been pregnant and had a child can expect an increase of about 1/2 a size. The body produces a hormone during pregnancy called relaxin. It loosens up all the ligaments so the human larvae can make a graceful exit. The ligaments in the feet also get a dose, so, voila, slightly bigger feet.

  12. Personal experience agrees with the notion that feet do get bigger during pregnancy, and the stay that way. Too bad the boobs don’t do the same.

    Maybe your day as an expert in farting is yet to come. I’d pay a dollar to watch that!

  13. Becky in Canada says

    As far as farts go….my husband deserves the brown-eye flutter award. Dear God…

  14. shinywilly says

    My feet & stomach size grew during my 40’s but worse than that my testicles now hang lower & my manhood seems shorter. The later could be an optical illusion due to the larger stomach. Getting old sucks!!

  15. Ron from PA says

    Hey Jeff,
    Your job sounds like a grind, but you got one. I got laid off last week. (not the kinda laid you wanna get) My job was eliminated, heh?? How does a Director of Marketing job get eliminated? They said cost cutting measures cause revenues are in the toilet. Hell that’s not my problem. I got 2 bosses above me steering the ship and they still got jobs, and they’re the ones doing the bullshit clusterfuckness that’s driving the Marketing team into the ground. I like to think I was THAT good and worked myself out of a job. Been doing this type of gig for 22 years! And I’m sick of it. Anyone need an well seasoned, almost non psychotic Director of Marketing? But in the interest of full disclosure, I was nominated in high school as the person most likely to show up to work naked with a shotgun LOL.
    Oh and I have no answers for your questions, cause today it’s all about me ranting……………Phew, do feel better now. time for a drink

    • Sorry to hear this, Ron. Let’s have a pity party as I got my walking papers 2 weeks ago. Get your resume together PRONTO and start pounding the pavement. Then we’ll get drink together!

      • that was supposed to be DRUNK but I guess that starts with a drink.

      • got mine on 12-30-14! woooo!

        • Lew in Bama says

          Sorry to hear about job losses.
          They let us keep our jobs, but cut our pay. And not just a little cut, over the course of the 5 yr contract, I’ll lose approx $30k.
          So now we do more work for less pay.
          I’m thankful to have a job, but tht’s not stopping me from putting my resume out there.

          • Damn, I guess I should be grateful. Our pay cut was only 10%, and it was for less than a year. And they still reimburse *some* of our mileage, so that’s only cost me a few thousand.

  16. I’m guessing that the “Where are you from?” question is to screen for certain things that are more common in other areas of the country. For example there’s a fungal infection that is found in the lungs of people from the southwest usually. Women from/in northern states are at greater risk for MS than women in warmer climes.

    There are a lot of reasons for asking odd questions. It could also have been an icebreaker and the Doc/PA/NP may have thought Toney was their type. I’ve never hit on a patient but you never know.

    I think the regional thing is most likely.

  17. I’ve worn a size 10 shoe since age 13 or so. That was more than 40 years ago.

  18. My question is “originally born”? Unless we humans have an earth shattering religious enlightening experience we are only born once or am I missing something?

  19. Those things were awesome. They had a pepperoni one that mom would never buy. When dad made them he followed the instructions to a t. Letting the dough rise and such.

  20. I used to wear size 7 1/2 shoes. Fast forward 20 years, now my flippers are a size 8 1/2 – 9. Goes along with my growing ass too, I guess.

    My mom would make Chef B pizza every Saturday night when I was a kid. She’d have it ready for The Carol Burnett Show which was on at 10pm. I still buy them. There’s a box in my cupboard now. We love them. Quick and easy. I usually add other cheese and toppings. Great for nights I don’t feel like cooking a big meal.

  21. We always had Big Al Lucioni box pizza. Did they only sell that in the Upper Ohio Valley?

  22. Lew in Bama says

    I’ve worn a 7.5 for my entire adult life.
    The hubs and I are working on that whole pregnant thing (I’m “advanced maternal age”, it’s a slow process), and while I won’t mind the giant belly/boobs becasue they go away, I’m not exactly excited about possibly having to buy all new shoes because my feet grow and don’t shrink back down.
    I have a lot of nice shoes I really like…I’m crossing my fingers I don’t have to get rid of them.

  23. Just had a phone interview. Don’t feel it went super great but it’s a start.
    I was always a 9.5 and now I’m like a 10.5 or 11. Maybe the shoes are getting smaller.

  24. johnthebasket says

    With respect to many people losing jobs and others losing income from existing jobs, I quote the “profit” . . .

    Standing on the gallows with my head in a noose
    Any minute now I’m expecting all hell to break loose

    People are crazy and times are strange
    I’m locked in tight, I’m out of range
    I used to care, but things have changed

  25. Jim Workman says

    Jeff – check your email – I sent you a clip from a classic 50 year old home video

  26. johnthebasket says

    July 17, 1941

    1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 R H E
    – – – – – – – – – – – –
    Yankees 1 0 0 0 0 0 1 2 0 4 8 0
    Indians 0 0 0 1 0 0 0 0 2 3 7 0

  27. johnthebasket says

    Crash Davis

    Lawrence Columbus Davis

    Positions: Second Baseman, Shortstop and First Baseman
    Bats: Right, Throws: Right
    Height: 6′ 0″, Weight: 173 lb.

    Born: July 14, 1919 in Canon, GA
    High School: Gastonia HS (Gastonia, NC)
    School: Duke University (Durham, NC)
    Debut: June 5, 1940 (Age 20)

    Team: Athletics 1940-1942

    Last Game: September 20, 1942 (Age 23)
    Died: August 31, 2001 in Greensboro, NC (Aged 82)

    • johnthebasket says

      I planned to post a box score every 4 or 5 days until Jeff is on his new schedule, but I decided to intersperse a little baseball lore.


  28. In regards to the previous post about waking up in strange places; in my twenties, I attended a friends wedding and (apparently) got black out drunk. Getting B.O.D. wasn’t (isn’t) a supremely rare occurance for me but this time was special. The wedding reception was held in the very large community centre of a small town. The party itself took place in a space that is used as an indoor hockey rink in the winter, there were well over two hundred in attendance. I remember having a great time as I got drunk and drunker over the course of the evening. I couldn’t afford to buy double whiskeys all night but as was (is) common practice, I had a flask in my pocket so I could top-up the shingle shot drinks I bought at the bar. The next morning, I woke up alone in a completely unfamiliar place. It was on some kind of cushion, in a small room with curtained windows on all sides. I was comfortable so I didn’t spring immediately out of “bed”. I probably lay there for another hour, in a daze, as the fog cleared from inside my head. Eventually, I crawled to the side of the bed and swung my feet down to the floor of the room and sat up. My head was touching the ceiling. In front of me were cabinets and a small sink. To one side, there were double doors, about four feet high. I opened one of the doors and climbed outside to the ground. I was in front of some strange house. I quickly walked to the end of the laneway and spun around to get my bearings. I saw the community centre across and down the street. I looked back to where I had come from…I had spent the night on some strangers property and slept in the VW camper parked in their yard.

  29. Wisey in Ttown says

    We lose Jeff?

    • I think Jeff is in a snow bank somewhere…dead, maybe?

      • Most likely, the Camry’s wheels have been spinning on ice for the last two weeks. The windows are long since blown out by the sonic boom created by hand-whipping-through-hair.

        • I’m fairly sure Jeff will have bought some Blizzaks by now.

          • Right, good point. Probably not Hakkapeliittas, though.

            • Do they serve Greek food at Wendy’s? Might be a regional thing.

            • johnthebasket says

              Hakkapeliittas might get him to work TOO soon. My friend Kyllikki used Hakkapeliittas, and when the snow got really bad she arrived at work before she left home. She finally downgraded to Blizzaks; safe snow driving is one thing — fucking with the space/time continuum is taking traction too far.


      • Great horny toads…hasn’t Jeff put Blizzaks on that Camry yet?!?

  30. Is this the longest unscheduled pause in the history of the WVSR? It sounded like things were looking up. I’m dying to hear how the new gig is going. I hope all is well.

  31. ‘Please give me a week to adjust, and we’ll return to the old schedule here’


  32. Everybody just calm down. Have some dip.

  33. Jazzbone Swirly says

    You guys are still using maturityisforsuckers.com ver4.3.1, so you have missed all of the updates that Jeff has written in the last two weeks. You need to switch to version 4.3.2.

  34. johnthebasket says

    While awaiting fresh content, please feel free to enjoy this cover of Kashmir by the Leningrad Cowboys, featuring the Russian Army Women’s Chorus.