10 Easy Ways To Be An Asshole Behind The Wheel

aggressiveBe the first to arrive at a four-way stop. Do nothing for several seconds, thus creating an atmosphere of tension and confusion. Then adopt a “why am I forced to endure all these idiot assholes?” expression, and begin waving everyone else through.

Cover the back of your car with bumper stickers that express your political beliefs. Let everyone know you’re smarter than they are, and have it all figured out, while driving to your job at Auntie Anne’s Pretzels.

Boycott the middle turning lane: the dominion of losers. When you need to turn left, simply stop in the furthest left through-lane, turn on your blinker, and wait for an opening. Don’t be concerned about the line of cars building up behind you. In fact, revel in the fact they’re all focused on you. You’re a star!

When faced with a situation where two lanes are feeding into one, either a) stare straight ahead and let NOBODY in, or b) wave through six to twenty vehicles. Just keep on wavin’!

While parking at a place of business, pull in at an angle. It’s your space, use ALL of it. Make sure the front of the car is all the way to the right, and the back is all the way to the left. Or, if you prefer, park your entire car far to one side. Shake it up! Make a game of it. Also, feel free to make use of those primo spaces with wheelchair and stork signs in front of them. Somebody’s going to park there. Why not you? God knows, you deserve it.

When driving at night, always use the high beams; never turn them off. It’s an underutilized feature on most cars, which will greatly improve your visibility.

While driving on the interstate, or other high-speed thoroughfare, keep one foot on the accelerator and one foot on the brake. Constantly alternate between the two, as if you’re powering a paddleboat at Six Flags Over Fuck All Y’all.

Be an accomplished time-manager, and eat as many meals as possible while driving. But be careful! If you’re new to the 85 mph lunch, start slowly. Begin with a simple hamburger and fries from Burger King, for example. And over time, as your skills develop, branch out to more complicated affairs such as spaghetti and meatballs, corn on the cob, boiled crab legs, and even fondue.

Whenever you see a sign that reads RIGHT LANE ENDS AHEAD, drive all the way to the end with a smug and satisfied expression, then ask the same people you’ve just passed to let you over. When they refuse, make them realize how selfish they are, via head-shaking, eye-rolling, and gesticulation.

Every year when Daylight Saving Time begins, we’re reminded to change the batteries in our smoke detectors. It’s meant to be an automatic trigger in our brains. The same can be done while driving. Simply choose a type of building — a preschool or a hospice care facility, perhaps — and use it as a reminder to clean out your car. Whenever you pass one of those places, begin chucking out all your fast food wrappers, Sam’s Choice soda cans, etc. Because a clean car is a safe car!

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  1. Jazzbone Swirly says

    I like the paddleboat reference the best. My wife drives like this.

  2. Be a binary driver. If you have two pedals, each one can be either up or down. Use all four possible states.

  3. The Qweezy Mark says

    #3 is almost a religion in Chinchilla.

  4. Ruthless Dee says

    There is space behind me as far as the eye can see but you should speed up to shove in between me and the car ahead of me (using no signal) and then, as long as I have the foot on the brake, you should slow way down.

  5. Steve in WV says

    You have to exit in 6 miles. Better slow way down so as not to miss your exit!

  6. Bill in WV says

    While stopped at a stop light or simply stuck in traffic, make sure that there is enough space in front of you to park ten tractor trailers, just to ensure that you don’t get shoved into the next vehicle ahead in the event of a rear end chain reaction.

    • Rear End Chain Reaction is the band chosen to close this year’s Dumbassery festival in Okanogan ;D

  7. Bill in WV says

    A red stop light at the end of an exit ramp is a fine place to dump your ash tray.

  8. I find that I am far more tolerant of dickhead drivers now than I ever used to be. That said, number 9 on the list still makes me lose my mind. Just who the fuck are these douche rockets that think they are so special they can fly past all the other cars and expect someone to let them in when the lane merges. Entitled much? Assholes, each and every one of them.

    • I don’t just get angry at them, I get angry at the meek ones who let them in.

      • I agree, fuck the meek.

        • Jazzbone Swirly says

          I understand that they are going to inherit the earth, which pisses me off even more. Also, the meek are smug. Smug freaking meek!

        • The Qweezy Mark says

          The meek need to die and blow me in front of their children while doing so.

        • FUCK THE MEEK. OMG. Can I get a shirt with that on it?? Maybe a hat too…

          • Drive to the end of the merge and then we will alternate….

            Does anyone else take this view? Yikes, not looking forward to the response ;-(

            Plus I am too busy eating my spaghetti to care.

            • Many foreign drivers here, nor do I want to drive in your country…Says a Vancouver girl with all respect.

              • Sorry, meant ‘their’ country, never sure how it works, I just close my eyes in the back of a tuktuk or whatever is going on.

            • That is the fastest way to get through the lose-a-lane situation. The holler goes something like “Like a zippah, ya fuckin mugs!”

              For roadfood, I think a nice bowl of pho would be perfect.

            • I agree with you. Drive to the front and alternate. There are two lanes right up until there is only one lane. There’s no point in moving over a mile back, because that causes a huge backup.

    • Heh .. knowing there’s a merge coming up is one thing .. but passing on the shoulder, especially the shoulder closest to the median tends toward the infuriating. If I’m in a bad mood and if there’s limited room on the shoulder, I’ll pull partially (or even fully) into the shoulder and keep pace w/ the spot I just vacated in order to prevent those oh-so-entitled, I’m-so-much-better-than-you-are drivers from passing everyone on the shoulder (often at insanely fast speeds) and creating more of a traffic jam at the final merge point. They should have to wait just like the rest of us.

      NOTE – I won’t do this if there’s abundant room b/c that increases the risk to me, my vehicle, and everyone else in the area, as well as the *special* drivers when they decide to try to squeeze past…

  9. Dunbar Bill says

    The space between a car in the left lane and the concrete retaining wall is the PERFECT place to pass if you suffer road rage.

  10. Wait until the light turns green before you put on your left turn signal.

    I have to admit that I have tried eating spaghetti while driving – fondue had not crossed my mind until now.

  11. Ladies, keep your eyes on the road instead of trying to do an Elizabeth Arden Red Door makeover. If you have to stop suddenly, that mascara wand is going to jab you right in the eyeball.

  12. johnthebasket says

    This post sounds a lot like Jeff, but not exactly like Jeff, as if it were written by Jeff’s younger brother. For example, there is no salutation or close, which Jeff literally always includes.

    Just a little forensic analysis on a Thursday afternoon.


  13. Pick a partner on a highway and carefully fall into sync side by side. Slow down as they slow down, or speed up as one. Never leave their side.

  14. Brenda Love says

    If you spot someone parked and unloading stuff out of the back seat of their car, make sure to park RIGHT IN THE SPACE BESIDE THEM. Never mind that there is 5 other empty spaces you COULD park in, only the one beside them will do. Sit there and wait for them to finish and close their door if at all possible.

  15. In MN, they are trying to make the late merge common and acceptable – the DOT advocates the zipper merge where the cars in the lane that’s ending go all the way to the end, then everyone merges every other. When it works, it’s actually pretty slick and no one gets pissed or held up in either lane.

    • Jazzbone Swirly says

      I blame Garrison Keillor.

    • I agree it could work, it should work, if every other person let just one person in. There’s always that fucktard who goes slow and lets 6 or more cars in, presumably just to be “polite” (“I’m in no hurry!”), thereby pissing someone off, and then that person tries to merge in front of the fucktard too, can’t, and ends up fucking the person behind the original fucktard. The Person Behind Fucktard then gets pissed (“Who the fuck are you, loser? I’ve done my time in this line!”) and wants to edge the pissed-off guy out, does so barely, and then Pissed-Off Guy takes out his misplaced aggression at Original Fucktard on Person Behind Fucktard by flipping the finger and silently, violently screaming and foaming at the mouth. And may it be said that, in all likelihood, Pissed-Off Guy originally started right behind Guy Behind Fucktard to begin with. It’s ridiculous.

      Um, and no, I’m not speaking from experience or anything. *twitch*

  16. When at a 4-way stop, if you choose to not play the passive-aggreessive waving game, be sure the hesitate a little bit before starting your turn, then watch all the other cars do that same thing because nobody know what the hell you’re doing. Funny people!

  17. UsedToBeWordnerd says

    If I may , here’s another — please insert parenthetically at the end of 1-10: “while talking on your cellphone”.

    Taco Bell. It’s the best 85 mph meal. Amateurs need not apply.

  18. Yesterday I stopped in front of Target to pick up my daughter. I put on my warning flashers. The person behind me slowly drives by yelling “Get a parking place”! I yelled “Oh shut up” and the bitch flipped me the bird. Boggles my mind, I put my flashers on, the person was right behind me, they were not inconvenienced at all. Oh wait, I forgot this is NorthWest Arkansas and I was in front of a Target!!

    • Ah, the “I’ll only be a minute” flashers. What if everyone stopped their car right outside the door to Target, because they’re only getting a coffee, or returning something, or it’s raining…. it would be chaos.

      We live in a society people.

    • I’m sure the fire trucks would have deferred to your laziness had they needed to get in and just found another way to get near the emergency. Likewise ambulances or police.

    • One of my goals in life…something I WILL do; I will buy an old fire engine, and wait for someone to stop ‘right up front, just for a second’ at a supermarket. I will have previously bought 20$ million in accident coverage, and I *WILL* ram you at full speed out of the Fire lane.

      So….watch your rear view…..because you will read about me someday, probably on this very site.

  19. imustbedum says

    Make sure you pay no attention to the “half a mile long” crosswalk in front of every Walmart in the world and keep driving right through it. Regardless of how many old ladies are trying to cross. And for extra credit, speed up a little.. Mindless fuckheads

  20. What’s with those super cautious drivers who have to put their flashers on during a snow storm? Thanks for telling us of the shitty road conditions by blinding me with the constant flicker of your hazards. I never would have guessed I could careen into a bridge abutment had you not forewarned me with your courtesy.

    • Hey Madz, not sure where you live, but I live where there are serious snow storms. Putting on flashers means pass me regardless of conditions.

      • Hey Not Oprah! I live in New York and last winter was horrific. I was driving through town where you couldn’t pass another car anyway and some lady had her hazards on giving everyone that I’m so cautious and you should be, too” look. Some people were putting their hazards on AFTER the roads were plowed.

  21. Don’t mind that red left turn arrow you’re rolling up to. As long as you were in line the last time it turned green, you’re entitled to pass through the intersection on this cycle. If you see a backup in the intersection in front of you, don’t wait behind the light for the cars to clear; you want to get stuck in the middle with them so that you can be sure to get through on this cycle. Remember, it’s your right to not be inconvenienced by the presence of other drivers on the road.

  22. When driving on a highway or interstate, be sure to drive 5 miles under the speed limit in the left hand, passing only lane. DO NOT MOVE OVER or switch lanes at any time. You are the leader and you have a pack of cars a mile long following you closely on your tail! AUGH!

  23. The empty space between my vehicle and the big, heavy, can’t stop on a dime semi-truck in front of me is there for a reason – a SAFETY ZONE (I’d like to think I would be somewhat safe if something were to happen). The safety zone is NOT a space for your vehicle.

  24. TAILGATERS!!!!! I hate them. Solutions are various. I prefer to carry a small supply of BBs from my nephews Daisy pump Magnum BB gun. A few innocently dropped out window at 40MPH will whip around your car and bounce off their vehicle. If that doesn’t work then move up to marbles, old ball bearings. If they still insist on almost kissing the back of your car, then move up to old spark plugs or lug nuts. Your ride along passenger can be of assistance while you try to see if ammo hit their BMW emblem on their car. Works for me.

  25. Rachael Smith says

    Love it, Jeff! My mom owns and operates her own mobile dog grooming business and I try to work with her a few days a week. We see the most idiotic, dangerous, infuriating driving on a daily. Can’t wait to show her this post! We drive a massive Mercedes Sprinter, white, and you would think we were invisible! Oh, we see it aaaalll on the mean streets and freeways of Las Vegas…