During my travels, I find myself muttering the word “shithead” a lot. You know, on account of all the shitheads out there. And today I begin the process of attempting to curate them all. This is Exhibit 1, and there shall be more, plenty more. Oh, this could go on for a while…
People who drive on the interstate with their windows down
There are two subcategories for this one, admittedly. If you have a rolling junkyard, with missing window cranks, one neon-blue fender, and a family of squirrels living in the ductwork of an air conditioning system that hasn’t functioned since the first Gulf War, then you have no other options during the summer. I still have questions, of course, but not about the windows being down.
What I’m talking about are people with newish cars who drive on the interstate, or other fast-moving roadways, with their hair whipping around inside a vortex of Zagnut wrappers and Hardee’s bags. For them, it’s a choice: the choice of shitheads.
It bugs me, because I think it’s a redneck affectation. A close cousin/lover to people who back into parking spaces… For some reason they think it’s badass. And the mere fact they believe something like that pisses me off.
Or they’re know-it-alls, and have a lot of pre-programmed “facts” about how it saves x amount of fuel per mile, etc. It’s utter horseshit, I suspect, and even if it’s true… I don’t care. I’ll gladly pay double.
Or — and this is the worst one — they supposedly can’t tolerate “artificially cooled air.” Have you heard that one? If you have, and refrained from rolling your eyes in a giant theatrical fashion, you’re a better person than I.
People who heat up fish in the work microwave
This one’s about lack of consideration. Why not just tip to one side and blow a big cabbage fart? The break room at work is communal, shitheads. Think of the others, before you render it unusable for three days, with your Chernobyl stank-carp or whatever.
I used to come to work and find seeds from a hoagie roll in my keyboard, sticky crap smeared all over my desk, and a toxic oniony mess in my trashcan. And I’d flip completely out.
“This is my desk, not a goddamn picnic table!” I’d shout at my supervisor. He pretended to be sympathetic, but I later learned he mocked my outbursts, and reenacted them in an exaggerated pantomime. Yes, it’s important to have a strong support network… In any case, I raised so much hell, it stopped happening — almost immediately. It was probably him.
So, when I say “people who heat up fish,” what I really mean is people who are inconsiderate with their nasty, stinky food at work, and impose it upon the rest of us. Shitheads, one and all.
People who suddenly care deeply
This happens with sports all the time. Shitheads don’t know a thing about what’s going on, until the playoffs start. Then they’ve got the metaphorical foam finger on, waving it around, and sobbing into a platter of hot wings and whatnot.
Because it’s temporarily trendy to care.
Hell, it’s going on right now with the USA soccer team. And give me a hand-rolled break on that one. You dickheads didn’t even KNOW there was a team three weeks ago. Charlatans!
But it’s not only about sports. It’s about anything that’s deemed trendy and cool. Like when the poet Maya Angelou died a few weeks ago… Facebook was suddenly overrun by longtime lovers of literature. Ha! Most of those shitheads haven’t heard or read a poem since ‘Milk, milk, lemonade/’round the corner fudge is made.’
And it happens with cool diseases, or causes like that #BringBackOurGirls thing. It’s not really about the cause, I suspect, but how people think it makes them look on social media. See, I care. Probably more than you do, when it gets right down to it. I’m not saying I’m better, but we both know the truth, don’t we?
Shitheads!
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They had to send an email out at work for people not to watch the friggin’ World Cup at their desk but rather to watch it in the breakroom because it was killing the network.
Maybe you could feel more compassionate about it if you said to yourself: “What a shithead (bless your heart)”
I love “bless your heart”. Occasionally I mean it. Most of the time it means “fuck you, you’re hopeless”.
Nothing worse than stinky fish in the office.
Push the button pull the chain out comes chocolate choo choo train
I know shit about soccer but love the world cup. Its for the drinking. Just kick the ball fall down and I’ll drink my beer.
Soccer does seem to promote day drinking, that’s something I can get into.
As a young lass we sang: “stick your finger up the hole, what comes out? A Tootsie Roll”
As one who has studied some poetry at the university level (don’t judge me) I can say that the “Milk, milk…” rhyme is better than probably 90% of what Maya Angelou ever wrote…
We used to sing to the tune of the old Nestle TV commercial:
N-E-S-T-L-E-S
What comes out yo’ A-S-S?
Cho-ooo-c’late!
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Fuck’em all.
You mean to tell me you don’t let Andy hang his head out the window when you drive down the interstate with him? Andy must be say, “What a shithead!”
I’m on ya about people who heat up fish in the microwave. Duh! Fish stink when cooking…
@ Shiny Rod duh shithead
A and men!
Call me a cretin but I occasionally like to hear a little rhyme every other sentence. And though I haven’t even attempted to try, I know paying attention to kickball isn’t going to happen for me.
In the break room where I ‘work’, it’s not stank in the microwave too often but someone attempting to turn the last 1/32 of an inch of coffee into dry, crusted coal tar by putting it back on the burner and not flipping the switch off.
I do want to point out though, that we shouldn’t forget the one circumstance to which dispensation should be allowed regarding the window rule, cigar smoke.
I use my car air conditioning very minimally because I drive an aged, underpowered hybrid that can barely make it up a hill even without the a/c on. However, there’s nothing remotely pleasant about having the windows down on the highway.
off your lawn I must go
Anyone heating up fish in a microwave is a contender for the Dick Punch Award. Let’s face it, the communal microwave is a friggin’ horror to begin with. It doesn’t have to have to have a cloud of funk mixed in with the splatters and gobs of melted on shit.
I don’t see many arms out windows, but when I do I also check the approximate year of the car. Personally, I always think it’s some tight ass cheapo trying to save 12cents per tankful on gas. I wish them all a nice dose of heat stroke.
I think what really chafes my ass most is seeing some attention whore actor/actress sitting in primo seats that a real fan would sell a cheek and a tit for. And not a person like Jack Nicholson or Spike Lee or Woody Allen who actually ARE fans. I’m talking abut some Hollywood asshat that shows up only during the World Series, Superbowl Sunday or the NBA Playoffs.
I qualify as shithead #1. The AC in my truck works sporadically and I’m too poor at this time to get it fixed. Also, I back my truck into the garage every time. It’s what I think Batman would do, provided the Batcave was a two-car garage without a turntable parking pad.
Sigh…….we are required to back into our parking spots at work. The mandate came down from the safety director a few years ago. Apparently it is safer to pull out of a spot than back out. Makes sense, I suppose. There are only 16 employees and we all park in a long line. There was a fair amount of bitchin’ & moanin” at first, but everyone just said whatever and got on with it.
Ugh! I would hate having to do that. Possibly because backing up is not my strong suit – unless we’re talking about parallel parking (one of my super powers).
It is “recommended” that we back in at work and pull through parking spaces all in the name of safety. I’m sure it will be mandatory before too long.
And the good ol standby, the self imposed traffic cops that think its their civic duty to slow you down on the highway by driving 55 fucking miles per hour in the passing lane
“Ass Hat” also acceptable!!!
Sports diehards in general. Especially the diehard “loyal” team fan. Why? Your a fan of the logo, certainly not the team. Players get traded all the time, never mind the fact the only reason they are based “in your city” is becuase “your” city was stupid enough to hand them a hefty checque.
Disagree.
Cheque??? You must be from Quebeque, eh?
Hey, I was Shithead #1 today. I should get a t-shirt. Roof down, windows down, gets damn windy over 90 and it is exhilarating. On a day like today I see some convertibles buttoned up tight, presumably so they can talk on the phone and not mess up their hairdo, and I think……. “What a shithead!”
No, it’s the fucker that has the top down, and the windows up. I want to drive up next to them, make the “roll down your windows” motion, then lean over and bust out every single one of them with a hammer.
Yea, I get it; important call from the broker, afraid your “hair club for men” is going to blow off, maybe you just “forgot”. Fuck them. it’s just another anti-social asshat that’s afraid someone might talk to them at a light if they don’t have their little safety window. Convertible privileges revoked.
I’m certainly guilty of the first one. Mostly though, I only drive on higher speed roads with the windows down because I have a rolling shitbox. One of the many deer-car collisions it’s had did something and now there’s a A/C line hanging out near the left wiper. I try to only do it alone because I like, you know, to talk.
I do back into spots, which I know is a long standing shithead move around these parts. I do it, when there’s not a line behind me, when I can back up to a wall of curb, not another spot, and because I’ve hit too many other shitheads doing 74 MPH in a parking garage.
Not sure why Jeff is so hell bent about backing into parking spaces. Either way you are going to have to back up at some point, so why not get the hard part over with first? And a pull-through? I get a little excited just thinking about it…
I’m not sure why people think it makes more sense to back into an 8-ft. wide parking spot rather than back out into a wide-ass aisle instead. I just don’t see the safety benefit, as long as you have the requisite intelligence to check both ways before backing up.
When you drive a 20 ft tuna-boat (Ford Excursion) and some ass-hat parks 6 inches from you, you will see the benefit of backing into a parking space. There is absolutely no way to make the cut and drive away without causing damage, thus becoming an even bigger ass-hat.
My windows are in a constant state of flux. I drive a 97 ranger that has various systems that work or don’t. It’s hot as fuck in the winter since I fixed that part so thats all that really matters.
Bottle Rockets – 1,000 dollar car
great song! love the bottle rockets…
Damn straight!
A driving-variety shithead: I’m driving to work on a big suburban road. It’s three lanes each direction, with a median strip. Shithead pulls out of a parking lot and immediately cuts across all three lanes so he can drive in the left lane. This happened three or four times on one trip.
Don’t get me started on turn signals or lane discipline.
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And a note on regular air conditioning, as opposed to the 4-60 kind.
Modern cars (say, less than 20 years old) are designed to be aerodynamic with the windows CLOSED. Having the windows – or any window – open dramatically increases your coefficient of drag.
The AC compressor consumes a fixed amount of engine power while it’s running. The engine power consumed by the aero drag varies with the square of your speed: go twice as fast and it eats four times the power, etc.
So there is a certain speed – which varies by vehicle – above which you’ll use less fuel by closing the windows and running the AC. If you just plain like the windows open, fine. But don’t think you’re automatically saving money.
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I’m pretty sure there was a Mythbusters episode that supported this.
And Jeff, lest I forget: this was an extra-awesome update! Thank you.
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Fuck the world. More like “World Crap” who gives a fuck? Everyday I pray, “Please let this be the day that you destroy all of mankind, Lord.” Stupid ass shitheads.
With regard to reading heartfelt empty tributes to Ms. Angelou, uninformed faux-populist claptrap, ancient dumbass wisdom, fake quotes by Will Rogers, invented lessons from invented history, or new bullshit theories about the real location of Flight MH370, either stay off Facebook or take responsibility for the source of your agitation.
John
nailed it.
I had to sit next to this shithead at a bar last night (it was $2 pint thirsty Thursday for a craft brewery so I kinda had no choice). Anyway, he was going on and on about his flip-phone to anyone who would listen. It seems that having a flip-phone and not a “smart phone” made him smarter. His excuse? He doesn’t have an address book in his ancient piece of shit phone so he has to memorize all his friends numbers (not that hard since there can’t be too many of those people). So yes, he thinks he is “smarter” than everyone else because he can memorize random strings of numbers. Hey, shithead, if your brain wasn’t filled up with that useless information, maybe you could use that part for actual thinking. Plus he kept flipping it open like Captain Kirk asking for Scotty to beam him up. I hate shitheads who get married to out-of-date technology and then feel the need to hold court about how this method is actually superior to something that is innovative and useful. (I’m looking at you, vinyl record and cassette guy.) Lastly, it’s an old piece of shit flip-phone shithead, not like it was something that even had retro-cool hipster cache.
There are long lists of people who exhibit shithead behavior, like:
People who drive in the left lane. Left lane is for passing, right lane for driving.
People who stalk you from store to car so they can have your parking spot. Sometimes I like to trick them by dropping off my bags, then turning around to go back into the store. Only works when you aren’t carrying groceries or in a hurry.
People who block the entire aisle of a grocery store while they study the contents of the mustard bottle. It’s effin mustard, just pick one and go.
People who put their lunch in the work microwave, set it for 2 minutes, then leave for 10. I’m waiting to heat up my lunch too ass hat, please get your lean cuisine and move on.
And lastly (for today) people who take or make personal phone calls at work and proceed to talk loudly about awkward and cringe-worthy personal matters that the rest of us really don’t need to hear. Cubicle life is awkward enough when I hear your boss yelling at you through the phone…don’t make it worse by making us all listen to you and your boyfriend on the phone for 30 minutes.
This: It’s not really about the cause, I suspect, but how people think it makes them look on social media.
It seriously pisses me off when women, of all people, start posting the ridiculously asinine and completely useless, “Post only your bra color and shoe size here on Facebook for breast cancer awareness but…shhh, don’t tell anyone why or what it means!” WTH???
First, let me assure you that this does NOTHING for breast cancer awareness. Second, you are not raising funds for the cause or anything and third, NO ONE just up and “forgets” that breast cancer exists. or, that BREASTS do, for that matter.
Signed, An Angry That You Can Be This Stupid And Still Be Allowed To Exist breast cancer survivor
I wonder who came up with the “post a no makeup selfie” social media campaign. What does a picture of me not wearing makeup have to do with breast cancer awareness?
I’m reality, my picture where I CHOOSE to not to put on makeup does nothing but insult actual cancer fighters and survivors. My skin still has color, my eyebrows and eye lashes are still full, and all I’m “battling” is maybe some freckles and dark circles because I stayed up too late last night. Real cancer victims aren’t choosing to lay aside their vanity for a picture, they’ve been forced to give up their vanity to survive. The effects of the disease and the drugs to combat it are having a field-day with their whole body. Dry skin, loss of hair, pale gray coloring, gaunt from weight loss, bags under the eyes from exhaustion…and that’s just what you can SEE, nevermind what you can’t see or feel on the inside.
If you’re not actively raising money or distributing facts, or helping the family who is fighting the disease, then your “awareness” campaign is merely nothing more than a way for you to make yourself feel better, to feel important and part of a movement.
Thank you, Lew.
AMEN SISTAHS! Lew, that was beautiful. Seriously.
Oh is THAT what the no makeup selfies are supposed to be about? I had no idea.
Well said, all of you. I get angry at the shoe size, bra color nonsense.
Signed-
Daughter of a breast cancer victim.
I’s still angry at Celine Dion (bless her heart)
Celine Dion has a lot to answer for, sure, but at least she uses her real name. I just found out Lady Gaga never received a title and isn’t actually named Gaga. It’s all been a fraud.
jtb
And while we’re settling accounts for female “singers”, Taylor Swift is a Damn Yankee. Talk: Texas, Born: Pennsylvania. Wouldn’t matter if she could sing. She’s forever banned from the Big Mama Thornton Hall of Kickass Female Singers. To be fair, Ms. Swift DOES have a lot of gall.
jtb
I just read my last two entries, and it’s pretty clear that I need all the phony singers who stand in the way of people with actual talent like Billy Joe Shaver and Iris DeMent to GET THE HELL OFF MY LAWN.
Thank you for your attention to this matter.
John
And while I’m getting shit off my chest, there’s this: I drive around listening to Billy Joe Shaver at an absurd noise level, SO I KEEP MY WINDOWS ROLLED DOWN. Take me to court if you must.
John
YES!!!
Upon reading Celine Dion’s name, I instantly thought of this: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/customer_service
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Can you please put a big button on wvsr that links to the home page of mifs? At least until I remember this blogs name and change my bookmarks? – Shit head
Ha ha ha, bravo!
I understand that the Mac/Windows consortium offers classes in adding bookmarks/favorites/favourites (Canada). In Windows, it’s just a click away, click away, click away.
jtb
A Stones fan, jtb?
Well, yes. Actually, I was using a Stones lyric to emphasize the complexity of adding a bookmark. I like the Stones in concert, I like the Stones at home, and I like the Stones out here, but really, everybody knows this is nowhere.
John
john you are a shithead, four replies to one inane comment
Nailed it!
The people who huff and puff the loudest while waiting in line are invariably the people who take their sweet ass time once they get to the counter, no exceptions. Why do they grumble and moan if they know they have a return for something more expensive and they want to pay with half cash and half check but only after they ask a million questions? Shitheads.
A friend Facebook posted a pic of him at a Maya Angelou book signing from the 90’s, as soon as she kicked. He was hovering in the background like it was Photoshopped. So I pasted him into the Kennedy inauguration, and posted that.
I worked with a Swedish guy who literally chewed on raw garlic when sick. The stench was unbelievable.
I guess I win the “Shithead of the Year” award then. I prefer to drive with my windows down, even on the interstate. I HAVE punched someone for heating up tuna helper/casserole in the communal microwave at work. I ALWAYS back into the parking space here at the house because my assigned spot at the complex is such a bitch to back out of. Fuck soccer.
I thought the Carolina/Duke rivalry was funny, but down in Birmingham I saw two guys fist fighting in the Walmart. Apparently the Auburn fan told the Tide fan fan that his quarterback threw like a girl.
Please say they killed each other. Please.
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Naw, those pussies just murder trees.
jtb