Some More Randomness: BONUS Randomness!

hotlips_smallThis is a hard thing to describe, and when I try… people tend to blink a lot and attempt to mask their “What’s this idiot babbling about NOW??” expressions. But I’ll try it, one more time.

You see, for the past week or so, it’s felt like the bones in my feet are fixin’ to snap. Usually it’s when I first get up and start to walk, but not always. It’s almost as if the bones are out of line, and there’s unnatural pressure on them. It feels like they’re flexing and bending, and could break at any time. It doesn’t hurt really, it just feels weird and scares me.

It’s mostly my right foot, but it’s happened with the left one a few times, too. Have you ever heard of such a thing? Should I start getting my things in order? Should I contact the outsize load crematorium? Please tell me what you know about this. It’s freaking me out, man.

I’ve been running a lot of red lights lately, and totally getting away with it. I know I’m jinxing myself by bragging, but need to tell someone.

Of course, all this happens in the middle of the night, on abandoned roads, but still. It’s exciting. I pull up to a red light with nobody around, wait for 15 seconds or so… and go on through. It’s happened about five times over the past couple of weeks. It makes me feel like a gangsta.

Needless to say, I won’t pull that stunt in our little town here. The cops are everywhere, lurking and hiding in the shadows. They’d be all over me, like a spider monkey on a nun.

Toney was watching some show called The Chew a few days before Thanksgiving, and a nice homosexual man inserted a load of quartered apples into the cavity of a turkey before cooking it. This intrigued me. The dude said it adds flavor, and makes the bird moist. I told Toney we should try it, and we did. And it was fantastic: really, really good.

Do you do anything unusual with your turkey? Or do you just slide it into the oven, like we used to do? What’s worked for you? I’m ready to get all experimental ‘n’ shit with it. Help me out, won’t you?

And I know this one is brief, but it’s really just a continuation of yesterday’s update. These early days at work are cramping my style. So, until things settle down… we’ll just play it by ear. How’s that sound?

Have a great day, my friends!

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  1. Time to get fitted for the Herman Munster boots.

  2. Had a spell a month or so back when each of my big toes hurt like HELL for about a week, like they were fixin’ to snap but wouldn’t. I thought I might have developed gout (overnight?) or something horrible…and then they got better. No idea what that was all about.

    Welcome to your 50’s, I suppose.

  3. I know that gangster feeling too as I recently drove 2 straight weeks with my left rear tail light out. Oh yea, I knew it was out but the thrill of potentially getting caught was too much fun to go get it fixed…then I got pulled over. I’m out. Ah yes, the thug life is not for this cowboy.

  4. What me and my turkey do in the privacy of my meth van is none of your damn business. Anal beads. I put anal beads in my turkey. My turkey is what I call my anal.

  5. I’ve never made a whole turkey. I’ve done the whole bone in breast on my smoker with excellent results.
    I can’t remember if I got it from one of the TV chefs or out of a cookbook but quarter a lemon and onion and stuff that up the butt of the next chicken you roast whole.

  6. johnthebasket says

    Jeff . . .

    You’ll most likely find that from 50 to 60, fewer of your maladies will be a result of eating too many turnips or listening to the Ramones too loud, or wearing cheap shoes, and more of them will be about actual deficits of important body chemicals like vitamins, digestive enzymes, hormones, and other non-musical substances.

    While these deficits can be addressed in your 40s by drinking more or turning up the volume, they should actually be investigated by a medical professional after 50.

    I’m trying to remember your doc situation. I might be wrong about this, but as I recall, you don’t think much of docs and select one randomly each time you need one (which is rarely), kinda like you choose a different hair cutting joint every time you need a trim. I change docs every 35 years, and haircut ladies every 20, so you and I might address painful joints and scruffy hair with different philosophies.

    I’m just saying that, while asking the usual gang of idiots about your symptoms is a reasonable strategy in middle age if you come from a planet with a red sun, bipedals who evolved locally should probably consult a physician as well, considering that the UGOI hasn’t even come up with a decent dick joke in months.

    Just keep a list of all the body parts that hurt, and every six months or so, drop in on your friendly family practice doctor and give him or her the list. It will get longer with time, unlike your wiener (oops, almost spoiled the surprise of that symptom of aging), and maybe the doc will spot a trend that can be treated to save or extend your life. That particular scenario will probably not start with sore feet, but you never know.

    I could have just written “See a doc; what the fuck do we know about foot cancer?”, but that seems impolite. See a doc.



  7. Jeff – get the dogs looked at by a professional.

    We brined our bird this year and whatever was in that mix (nutmeg? Cloves? God only knows what) made the bird so juicy and delicious it was by far our best bird ever.

    If you saw The Chew on Tuesday, my pal Matt and his wife Jenn were in the audience. He posted pictures on Facebook with the apple man!

  8. I spatchcock the turkey (remove the backbone and flatten) and dry brine (salt top and bottom, refrigerate uncovered on a rack overnight). You can cook it at 450 for about 80-90 minutes. Evenly cooked, super juicy, crisp skin, and doesn’t take half of the day in the oven.

    • I just spent 30 minute watching cooking videos after I Googled “spatchcock”. I believe I will spatchcock and smoke a couple of Cornish hens this weekend. Then, Monday when asked what I did this weekend, I can drop spatchcock on them.

  9. Uncle_Wedgie says

    In Bubba Ho-Tep Elvis said that was one of his symptoms for his Dick Cancer. Maybe you should get it looked at (by a doctor).

  10. Whatever you do DO NOT go to a podiatrist!! Most are DO’s and do more harm than good. Please dont shoot me if I’m stepping on toes because this has been my personal experience. I was hobbled by a painful toe and went to a rheumatoid Dr. Long story short, I run low on vitamin D3. Started taking 5000 iu a day and it worked!! Didn’t help my thumb pain but that story is for another time.

  11. Turkey has become one of the things I am actually getting good at cooking. The wife makes a sausage stuffing that is super delicious, and for the last 4 or 5 years, I make a “blanket weave” of bacon to put over the breast meat. It cooks into the turkey skin, almost like a meat graft, and keeps the juices inside the bird. Plus, the bacon fat adds a nice flavor to the basting.

  12. Brine the bird for a day and then toss it on the Big Green Egg to smoke for 8 hours… perfection.

    • Please join me in a moment of silence for the loss of my husbands beloved Big Green Egg. It cracked open after falling off a dolly, not a wall. He was taking it to be sand blasted and was excitedly shopping for new inside parts. Poor thing never made it to driveway. I think I heard taps coming from the dry creek bed where he put the remains.

  13. I like the red light running gangsta-ism. I have picked up a similar outlaw habit. There is one of those radar Your Speed signs on one of my regular routes. I had been wondering how high it would register, and in doing this found out that fast enough gets you an exclamation point in a diamond, rather than numbers. So driving through there is now my gangsta moment. It’s diamond.

    (personally, I think WTF would be better)

  14. Jeff,

    Although I have never experienced “fragile foot bones” quite the way you’ve described, I have suffered some horrible foot and toe cramping. I’m talking about the kind in which I must physically pry apart my toes because they’ve cramped into weird bends and twists on top of each other. This invariably happens whenever I am dehydrated. You may wish to try replenishing your electrolytes and taking a good vitamin/mineral supplement with Cal/Mag/D3/K2 (the magnesium is especially important!) for a little while and see if that makes any difference. Caffeine can be an aggravating factor, and if you must partake, try not to take any vitamins within a few hours of caffeine consumption, as it can interfere with absorption. Hope you can get some relief!

  15. Concerning feet, could be plantar fascia or facia or maybe gout since u said bones sounds more on the gout. Just my thoughts….see a doc.

  16. I had tender morning feet for a while and then blew out a heel. Turns out the tenderness is an early sign of plantar fasciitis and or heel spurs.
    Turns out that there are things you can do to keep it from getting worse so have a doctor look into it for you.

  17. Jazzbone Swirly says

    Have you tried calf muscle stretches?