Pickles, Cynicism, Southward Oozing, and Crazy-Ass Stances

pickles2I went to Burger King with the younger boy on Saturday, and you can see the level of nasty-ass that was perched on my Whopper. I usually order everything without pickles, but got talked out of it this time.

“You don’t want any shitty pickles, right?” I said to the boy, while making our way to the counter.

“It doesn’t matter how you order it, they’ll just make it the same way they always do. I know half the people who work here, and they’re all really stupid,” he said.

So, I was swayed by his bitter cynicism, and just ordered two Whopper meals, with no special instructions attached. And look at all that! It’s from my burger alone. The boy had his own pile going, on the other side of the table. You can also see a little mayo on the wrapper, which is another condiment concocted in the devil’s workshop.

However… the burger was pretty good. I can handle the spreadables, if there’s no oozing. But if I bite down on the north side of a burger, and it oozes from the south, by gag reflex kicks in. Then I have to go find a plastic knife, and start scraping stuff off. The pickles, however, are way too overpowering, and must be removed without delay.

A small complaint, in addition to the one illustrated by the photo: they didn’t put cheese on our Whoppers — because we didn’t specifically order it. I hate that. It should be understood, as it is everywhere else. But at Burger King you have to say the magic words: Whopper with cheese. That’s bullshit. I’ve been victimized by this fast food loophole many times.

“Cheese costs fifty cents extra,” the boy told me, during my rant.

“Fifty cents! For a single slice of plastic cheese?? I’m going to start smuggling in my own,” I declared.  “Before I leave the house, I’m going to put a few slices in my back pocket, and add them to my burger at the table. …Wonder if anybody’s ever been banned from this place, for bringing in outside cheese?”

The boy just kept eating, without answering my question.

“Hey, there’s a NOW HIRING sign on the door. You should apply, and fix all the problems from the inside,” I told him.

“No,” he said.

“Well, Chipotle is opening soon, in Dickson City. Maybe you can get in on the ground floor of that deal?” I offered.

“There’s nothing more degrading than making a burrito for a stranger, ” he said, which made me laugh for a good long time.

“You were bussing tables at the country club, cleaning up other peoples’ filth. Making a burrito is worse?” I asked.

“No comparison,” he told me.

Good stuff. I love when people take ridiculous stances like that. I’ve heard my brother say, more than once, “I will NEVER eat anything called an omelette.” He just doesn’t like the sound of the word. Also, yogurt. He digs in his heels, based on the feel of a word. This amuses me. I have my own rules, about many things, so I kinda understand it. But it’s still funny.

For a question, I’d like to know about various crazy-ass stances you’ve known people to take during your life. It doesn’t have to be about food, necessarily. It can be about, say, shitting at work? Anything you got.

And I’ll see you guys again soon.

Buy yourself something cool at Amazon! It’s the American way.


  1. Jazzbone Swirly says

    I will never keep a litter bag in my car. I refuse to budge on this issue.

  2. I have to wonder why BK still shows flame cooking going in commercials. I think they “cook” with microwaves now. I ate at 5 Guys for the first time the other day. Now that was a burger. I like all the stuff slopped on there.

    • Amen. I get my Five Guys burger with mayo, ketchup, mustard, and fried onions. It’s a delicious slippery oozing mess.

      • That’s revolting.

      • Jazzbone Swirly says

        I’m a big fan of the in-and-out burger these days. The burgers are simple, but good, and the fries are probably about the best out there. Another chain here in northern Utah that does a great burger is Crown Burger (a local chain started by a Greek family from what I can tell). They make a pastrami burger that is damn satisfying.

    • Bah, Five Guys sucks. Maybe it was hyped up too much for me. I don’t usually care to pay for stuff I can make just as good at home for less than the cost and time of going to get it somewhere else.

      Cheeburger Cheeburger (I hate that fucking name) is excellent. There’s something about how they prepare the burger that makes it all taste like one thing, but each component keeps it’s individuality. To bad the closest one to my house is at the airport an hour away and behind the security checkpoint.

  3. Swami Bologna says

    I REFUSE to use those stupid cup-size terms that Starbucks has invented. I order a small, medium, or large. I’ve never once had a Starbucks employee not understand what I was asking for.

    • AMEN, Swami. Grande coffee? Bite me.

    • Haha yes! I say small, medium, large as well.

    • Have never ordered using bullshit psuedo Italian terms. Small, medium, large. Good enough for my father and his father before him, good enoughfor me…

      • The Qweezy Mark says

        Regardless of the restaurant I am in, I will only order any item on the menu using the Starbuck’s size designations. If they can’t understand me I drop trou and start yell/singing “El Paso” by Marty Robbins.

  4. After they sold out, I never drank another Rolling Rock. Mountain spring water from Pennsylvania versus who knows what bilge water from New Jersey? No thank you…

  5. I will never eat a cold sandwich that has a cheese and mayo combination. Just the thought of mayonnaise on cheese can give me the dry heaves.

    Deviled eggs and/or egg salad will NEVER EVER pass over my lips.

    I don’t like gravy. There. I said it. So when I see people make an indentation in their mashed potatoes and fill it like a pool, I have to avert my eyes. Ditto those gravy laden, double sopped “French Dip” sandwiches. A sandwich should not gush.

    I’ll never wash my crotch in a public bathroom. I’ve seen this done a few times at the beach.

    • I agree that a sandwich should not gush.
      However, that doesn’t totally put me off on Freedom Dip roast beef sandwiches.

      I just have to have the dry sandwich with my own little cup of brown saltwater to dip it in. That way I can control the liquid and not have to trust some jackwad with proper broth distribution.

  6. I’ll never swim Kern River again.

    • Kern River in California? We stayed at a campground in Kernville, I think was called, on the Kern River. Great swimming holes. Beautiful place!

      • Yep…that’s the place. “I’ll never swim Kern River again” is the first line (and prominent line) in an older (1985) Merle Haggard. It’s the first thing that came to mind, being one of my faves of many of Haggard tunes. Been there, swam that (almost 30 years ago) because of that tune. Beautiful place no question and hopefully the Kern is still running strong.
        Here’s the tune if any cares to listen:

  7. squawvalleyskip says

    I refuse to go to Starbucks in general. There coffee tastes like shit. Coffee should taste like coffee, not that sweet mix of overpriced crap starbucks sells. And the only thing worth a shit at Burger King is the double cheeseburgers. They automatically come with cheese. They do, however come with pickles. I also don’t eat yogurt. Or sour cream or cottage cheese or any of those other spoiled dairy prodects masquerading as food. As for shitting at work, I figure since I’m going to be shitting anyway, why not get paid for it when I can. On an unrelated note, I have to agree with your boy about working in the fast food industry. I’ve had a lot of jobs in my life, but I’ve managed to avoid ever having to make burritos or burgers for the general public.

  8. I refuse to eat yogurt of any kind. It’s the most vile food substance in the world. If Jax from Sons of Anarchy dipped his weiner in it, I still wouldn’t eat it…..from either source….and he is one HOT mofo.. BLECCH.

    My boyfriend’s father refuses to eat onions or anything with onions in it. He thinks onions are pure bacteria farms. It’s not that he doesn’t like the taste of them. He just thinks they were put on this earth to poison people.

    • Ruthless Dee says

      My mother thought the same thing about onions. She liked them a lot but believed that they attracted and sucked up all the bacteria in the environment as soon as they were cut. She would peel and cut onions deep inside a plastic bag and quickly deposit them as close to her mouth as the bite of food would allow. She had crazy ass food fetishes.

  9. I won’t eat meat in a tube. No polish sausage, no kielbasa, no link breakfast sausage. Same for bologna…not gonna have it. If I bite into a piece that doesn’t chew right, my entire meal is ruined. Dry heaves just thinking about it.
    I won’t eat pre-packaged lunch meat…it’s the preservative slime that grosses me out. Blech.
    I used to be one of those “I won’t poo anywhere but home” people. Then I developed gluten issues and that nonsense don’t fly when you have issues. When you gotta go, you gotta go.
    I refuse to wear pants to church on Sunday morning. I’ve always worn dresses, and never ever considered wearing pants. Sunday night, Wednesday prayer mtg, pants are fine, but my mother would probably roll over in her grave if I walked into Sunday morning worship service in anything but a dress or skirt.

    • “I refuse to wear pants to church”

      Heh. Me too.

    • Same here on the pants. We are in a pretty conservative denomination (not Pentacostal or anything, I do wear pants elsewhere and cut my hair. And have you ever wondered where they find those long denim skirts? I’ve never seen one in a store, but they all wear them. Sorry, I’ve really digressed.) but our individual church is relaxed. Lots of the other women wear pants on Sunday morning, but it just doesn’t feel right for me. I don’t mind others doing it, I just don’t.

  10. I don’t pay enough attention to other people to know what their stupid hardline stances are; if it isan’t the same as mine then they are all stupid.

    I mentioned this before, but it applicable.
    I won’t watch a black and white movie produced after 1970. By that time color was commonplace and generally cheaper to use than black & white. So screw that.

    Your son is right. Serving food to people is horrible to start with, but giving them a burrito is doubly horrific. I’ll be a homeless vagrant before I work in the food service industry. I pity those that must and am confused by those that wish to do it.

    I’d rather get shot in the face with a car launcher than drive with a passenger.

    I will not buy a second media version of music or movies I already have. I’ll never be able to buy any Santana or Black Sabbath CDs or downloads because I have all of my dad’s old vinyls. I will watch the original Star Wars and Indiana Jones trilogies on VHS until my current VCR and the backup VCR (I bought a backup new for $5 a few years ago) finally die.

    I will not wear a neck tie. I’ve nearly gotten fired over this in the past. (However, I will wear a bolo tie in a mocking fashion.)

    I will not allow photos be taken of me. (Fuck you, that’s why.)

    I must headbang, no matter where I am, when the applicable portion of “Bohemian Rhapsody” starts up.

    I cannot listen to music on any device on which I cannot change the track and volume at the same time.

    I’d rather you pour mustard in my eyes than on a sandwich.

    I refuse to eat food at any work event. I don’t want to see my coworkers stuffing their disgusting faces with parboiled beef neck; I won’t let them see me do it.

    The only way I’ll change the strings on my basses is if a single guitar has at least two broken strings.

    • About the work food I will never eat anything out of a kitchen from 99.9% of my co-workers. Ive seen their disgusting work habits so visions of their kitchens make me shudder.

      • Hmmmmmm?? Me thinks, there is a bigger sociopath on this site than me. But good reading nonetheless.

  11. Wow. Down here in Central Virginia, it is virtually impossible to get a Whopper without cheese. I have stressed to the utmost that I didn’t want cheese, and then over half the time it comes with that nasty piece of plastic fouling it.

    • Me at the Braum’s drive-thru:
      “I want a 1/3lb HAMburger with nothing on it.” “Do you want chee…” “UT! You can ask questions at the end of my order.” I finish ordering then I say it’s his turn to talk. He asks if I want cheese on either of the burgers. I explain the difference between a HAMburger and a CHEESEburger. I told him I knew what I wanted before I left my house and if I had wanted cheese he would have heard me say so. Braum’s has good burgers, but it’s aggravating to go through this process every time I want one.

  12. I don’t eat anything with a face still attached to it.

  13. I like almost all beer better than the next guy, but I will not drink anything that comes from a green bottle. Heineken, Rolling Rock, Stella, Pilsner Urquel (or whatever), Beck’s, Carlsburg. Grolsch. Skunked satanic piss water – each and everyone of them. I’ve yet to find an exception this rule.

  14. A question for all the mayo haters.


    What specifically is it about mayo that is so off putting? It’s a fairly innocuous taste. Is it the texture? The fact it’s often hiding inside prepared foods? The oozyness? The Frenchness? A bad childhood experience with a picnic sandwich with too-long-in-the-sun rancid mayo?

    My wife won’t touch mayo but likes garlic aioli. Yes I’ve tried to explain…

    • I don’t mind mayo but can’t do it with cheese. But give me a roast beef or turkey sandwich and ive been known to slather.

    • Aioli is just mayo with shit in it.

      I don’t like the taste, texture, sound, smell, or look of the stuff. It offends all five common physical senses.

      It tastes like salty corn oil and smells like egg farts. These are the least of the offenses.

      It feels simultaneously greasy and tacky. It’s like a combination of beef gelatin, snot that hasn’t completely dried into a booger, and cold beef fat. In the mouth it feels like pudding that won’t sit still, and melts into a pool of warm viscous loogies.

      Look, it looks like marshmallow fluff. Which wouldn’t be bad, but I know that if I took a big spoonful of it, it would not taste like marshmallow fluff. It wouldn’t taste like fluff at all.

      The sound is worse than hearing someone vomit.
      Put a spoon in a jar of mayo and pull out a plug. Pay attention, there are two sounds you’ll hear. The more prominent of the two is a sound similar to pulling a plug off mud out of a pedal. The other is a little more subtle. If you are every taking a huge soft dump, you can hear little crackling sounds as the turd makes its way across your sphincter; a similar sound comes from mayo as you pull it from a jar and smear it across bread.

      • “crackling sounds as the turd makes its way across your sphincter”
        You just won the internet with that statement. I’ve never, before now, given that sound a thought but you have seared it into my brain. Now I will forever be listening for that faint crackle when I lay a deuce.

        • I have a buddy whose intense hatred of mayonnaise started when he worked in some kinda restaurant where they had to make tuna salad or egg salad or some such shit in large quantities. He was in charge of opening and upending Sam’s Club-sized tubs of mayo, and said the sound of it sliding out of the container and wetly splattering into a bowl turned him off of the stuff forever.

          Me, I’ll still eat it on a Chick-fil-a sandwich, but I agree: NO OOZING!

          • It would be nice if Chik-fil-A had decent mayo, such as Hellmann’s. But the stuff they have in packets is pretty low grade.

        • It has to be a special kind of turd.. Not runny, but not hard either.. like a dump full of fiber. Those are the best anyway

  15. “I’ll never wash my crotch in a public bathroom”

    That really has to be a stance?

  16. I won’t eat anything if I know its name. I can’t pet Bessie the cow, then eat her for dinner.

  17. I have stance against stances. Does that count?

  18. I poop at work AT LEAST once a day….
    It’s the ONLY time I can sit and smoke an entire cigarette without some fucknut bothering me

    • Jazzbone Swirly says

      I like the word fucknut. I am going to try to use it in a sentence before the end of the day.

    • johnthebasket says

      Wait a minute. You have a bathroom at work you can smoke in? That raises at least two questions . . .

      1) Where the hell are you, the Soviet Union, or, perhaps, Alabama?
      2) If I can get there by tramp steamer will you save a place for me?
      3) I’ve only known one woman who liked tramp steamers and, by coincidence, she was no tramp, although she was, as I recall all these years later, steamy.


      • Nope just here in Pennsyltucky…
        Philiadelphia in the east
        Pittsburgh in the west
        And Alabama here in the middle..
        So partially right…

        I’m a welder in a shop that has not yet been invaded by the PC crowd (they tend to not like getting their hands dirty)

        • johnthebasket says

          So you work in the kind of place that’s actually making what’s left of the American economy work. Smoke away, brother.


  19. johnthebasket says

    Number two son, who I have no doubt you quoted verbatim, has a way with words and perhaps a way of thinking that’s subtly different than number one, to the extent that you’ve let info leak out over the years. I’m just saying, he might be the artist, or the one who inherits the family web empire.


    • Jazzbone Swirly says

      I’m almost positive that Heidi is going to slice and dice that comment apart and personally attack you for no good reason in the process. I feel bad about it in advance of the actual event.

      • Jazzbone Swirley,
        The fact that you recognize what would rub me the wrong way is enough for me. I know I’m not the only one who feels like they just rolled naked in a basket of wet wool socks after reading one of those insufferable, intrusive, fuck-up comments makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
        But be careful. Sir Omnipotent Sycophant doesn’t like to be crossed. You may be the next served with a restraining order.

  20. My husband and I both share a hatred of onions. Just don’t like the taste and the crunch of them yuck.

  21. I have a friend who won’t sit in someone else’s “warmth”–as in, if they get up, she can’t sit where they were until it cools off. I hadn’t ever thought about it before meeting her, and now it creeps me out, too.

    I got over my hatred of pickles when I started eating Chick-fil-A. They put two relatively innocent pickles on their regular chicken sandwich and it’s pretty damn good. Don’t put a tomato on anything of mine, though. And especially don’t put a tomato, get called out on it, remove the tomato, and expect me not to notice the slimy seeds still sitting there like eyeballs. Nope. Make me a new one.

    • Speaking of “warmth”, I always hated those padded toilet seats! They always felt warm and I just know that bacteria is breeding like a mutha on them. Seems like the “older crowd” (of which I am a member these days) are the ones that fall for this “comfortable seat”.

      • Those cushioned toilet seats make those gasping sounds when you plop you ass on them. That takes creepy to a whole new level.

    • I have to agree with her about the warm spot. Anywhere. Chair, toilet seat, bench. It gives me a full body shiver.

    • My whole family knows my feelings on TBHS(transferred butt heat syndrome) and I’ve seen a lot of kids or grandkids fan my favorite chair after they jump out of it to try to cool it off quicker! Ha!

  22. People who insist on backing in to parking spaces. Why? Don’t give me that shit about it being easier to get out. Cram that argument up all of your anuses. I just will not do it.

  23. I will not eat any white dip. (for potato chips).
    I also won’t eat pickles. I prefer to stick them on the windows at fast food joints (don’t tell anyone I’m 55 years old)
    Also, since I’m from Chicago I will NEVER, EVER eat ketchup on a hot dog. EVER!
    Oh, and I won’t eat Braunschweiger, broccoli, asparagus, zucchini, cauliflower, or most other nasty vegetables.
    Wait, I WILL eat broccoli – only when I’m pissed off at the wife and want to stink her out, then I’ll eat about 10 lbs of the stuff!

  24. Shitting at work also reduces one’s home septic pumping interval. It’s a win-win.

  25. When I moved to Italy i discovered a condiment-free paradise. I HATE spreadable shit on my sandwiches. The only time I need to be careful is when I’m doing the tourist thing with friends. I’ve been ambushed by the heinous mayo on several occasions – the Italians figure the Americans and the Brits all want it so they put it on food served in places frequented by tourists. At least it’s just the tiniest bit, but still…blecch.

    I have an unhealthy aversion to sweet potatoes. Again – Italy. Delightfully free of the vile tubers. God I love it here.

  26. John in the gump says

    I’m with you on the excess of condiment. When you bite one side and your hamburger shits it out the other, that’s just too damn much. If I wanted soup, I would have ordered it. I had a friend years ago who would not eat bananas because of “all of the seeds”. God love him, he’s a great guy otherwise.

  27. i can’t even stand scraped off mayo. The 6 yr old said if you make me a sandwich can I have mayo and I said good luck getting me to put mayo on your sandwich.

    I agree with yogurt, it’s weird. And watching people eat it is gross. I’ll do froyo and stuff with yogurt in it so it’s a weak stance. Mayo I draw a line in the canadian sand.

    So was this the same boy who said you can’t order a burger without complaining? Was there a discussion?

    What’s more degrading is having to remake a burrito for another person.

  28. I refuse to use “froyo,” “moobs,” “jorts” or any of the other redundant, revoltin’ neologisms the kids use today. Damn it, I just used two of them. But you get the idea.

  29. Our office building is in a complex of buildings we own… one of those office parks. We remodeled our building to house only our company and the bathroom doors are visible from the rest of the open office. They’re nice bathrooms… Stone walls and floors, great top notch toilets, granite countertops with nice sinks.

    All of my male employees will walk across the parking lot to another building that has not been remodeled to use a 1980’s crapatorium because the building is built out for individual private offices that are rented out to small offices that share a common bathroom with stalls, formica counter tops and florescent lighting. It’s something about coworkers seeing you have to go into the bathroom I guess… either way, it works for me. I basically have the mens room all to myself. What do I care if my assistant or accountant sees me walk into the bathroom?

    • I worked with a guy that actually took the newspaper or a magazine into the restroom. No doubt what he was planning to do.

    • Assistant accountant? Junior executive in charge of the long division division.

  30. I will never watch Grey’s Anatomy. Residents aren’t entertaining, and interns are plain scary in reality. I will never allow a reptile in my house under the guise of “pet.” Lizards aren’t particularly awful, but they are the gateway drug to snakes, and Satan’s hand puppets have no place in my home. I don’t care for birds, either, they’re too reptilian. Just look at the feet of a bird. Yuck!

  31. PopeCosgrove says

    Shitting at work is one of life’s greatest pleasures. Getting paid to perform a normal bodily function? Bliss.

  32. Dorothy B. Raught says

    i’m up for pretty much anything, except fishy fish (you know who you are.) i’ll eat almost anything; i ate either monkey or parrot somewhere between thailand and singapore. but i drew the line at rotten shark in iceland. even my husb. who eats ANYTHING (including haggis) wouldn’t eat THAT. otherwise i’m good with onions, yogurt, etc., etc.

  33. Went through the drive thru at the local Burger King and asked a #2 with cheese, pickle, onion and ketchup. Got back to the office and they almost nailed it. Pickles, check. Onion, check. Ketchup, check. It was missing the second hamburger patty. You ALWAYS get fucked in the drive thru.

  34. MommyWoman says

    I’ve decided not to comment since there’s simply too many that I agree with today.