Never Mind Ebola and War: These Are Our Top Stories of the Week

Crazed Minivan Mom Throws Epic Hissy-Fit, Begins Chanting, “Go fat boy! Go fat boy!”

According to this article, the guy who filmed the above video drove past a woman who was stopped in the middle of the street, looking at her phone. This infuriated her, and you can watch what happens next. But be careful if you’re at work… She’s one foul-mouthed soccer mom.

A few thoughts:

  • The kid in the passenger seat doesn’t look surprised about what’s going on, he seems to be thinking, “not again.” I have a feeling this woman has “encounters” everywhere she goes, and is “unjustly” barred from many local businesses.
  • I don’t like the way she drives her minivan: all that revving and braking, and whatnot. It can’t be good for the transmission and motor. I’m sure the warranty doesn’t cover damage due to crazy.
  • I also don’t like the way she curses, there’s a weird cadence to some of it. Fatass should be said as one word, for instance, not fat, then ass. Right? She also does it a couple of times with asshole. The first time she gets it right, then adds a space between the two words. This bothers me, and I think it should be reviewed by the Cussing Council.
  • I was somewhat sympathetic to her point of view, willing to give her the benefit of the doubt, until she started all that cocky “Oh really? Oh really? stuff, with pigeon-style head-bobs, and rapper-like arm gestures. At that point she became hardened white trash in my eyes.
  • I must admit though… “Go fat boy! Go fat boy!” was a nice touch. I have to give credit where credit is due.

The woman turned herself in, after the video went viral, and was arrested. In this article she tells the reporter, “I don’t totally 100 percent regret it.” Which says it all, I think.

Man Drops Dead at Sperm Bank While Attempting to Make Yet Another Deposit

Gang Bang: Student Named Gang Dies After Sperm Donor Marathon

Zheng Gang, showing off his magic hand in the above photo, reportedly died of a heart attack while attempting to conjure a donation at a Chinese sperm bank — his fourth such visit in a little over a week. Some thoughts:

  • The New York Post calls this guy a “marathon masturbator.” But, come on. Four times in ten days, at the age of 23? That’s what’s known as a standard maintenance regimen. In fact, it feels a bit light.
  • However… his repeated visits to a sperm bank is pretty weird. If he and his wife were having trouble conceiving, or if he was doing it for cash, I could understand it a little easier. But it sounds like he was donating for humanitarian reasons. Wotta freak. He was either a complete nut, or a full-blown narcissist: “I will not rest until all the world has access to my glorious seed.”
  • One of the articles I read said Zheng was cremated. But I hope his family kept his right hand, at least, and used it as a candle holder.
  • The photo of the giving room, here, is pretty interesting. Is that a bed? I don’t understand. Also, it appears there’s a big window. How’d you like to be walking down that street, and innocently look to your left? The sink is a given, and I appreciate the permanent full-bush photo mounted on the wall. But, needless to say, I’d never set foot inside that dank jackatorium. Blecch.
  • Finally, I don’t mean to be insulting, but is there really a need to take a shopping cart down the aisle of Sperm City — in China, of all places? Don’t they have an overpopulation problem there, as it is? Sure, I know it’s premium Zhengload, but still…

RIP Zheng. You died doing what you loved best.

Kanye West Stops Concert, Refuses to Continue Until Kid in Wheelchair Stands Up


This story kills me. At a concert in Australia on Friday, Kanye West was annoyed because not EVERYONE was up dancing. So, he stopped the show, and tried to shame them to their feet. The problem? Both holdouts were disabled. One waved a prosthetic leg above her head, to which Kanye replied, “OK, you fine.”

Then he turned his attention to a kid in a wheelchair. This leads to my favorite line of the article: The crowd was reportedly trying to clue Kanye in to his epic blunder, with the entire section making wheelchair signals with their arms. Wheelchair signals! Man, that’s good stuff.

What was it President Obama called Kanye? Oh, that’s right, a jackass. Pass the beer nuts.

I’ll see you guys again on Thursday.

Have a great day, my friends!

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  1. Thinking I might need to look up some Chinese porn, that must be some good stuff.

  2. I think the Kanye ‘episode’ is just another way to get him or his wife on the news once again.

  3. Cut off or not that woman has some anger issues. She keeps that up and some day she is going to be laying dead in the middle of the road.

    As for the masterbator, I don’t even remember breaking a sweat jacking off at that age let alone blowing out a heart valve.

  4. Erica in Charlotte says

    Kanye is just following in Joe Biden’s footsteps.

  5. I can go 4 times in a day and I’m 39.

    Kanye West is the definition of grand douche. I have friends who listen to that genre of music and they say that he is a horrible artist too.

  6. That crazed woman was way out of line. Everyone screws up on the road now and then, but her actions were totally overblown and intentional. I quit getting pissed off at people who cut me off on the road several years ago. Most of the time it is unintentional – like when I do it. The other times it is people being asshats, and I’ve learned to watch out for drivers to do the stupidest things they can.

    As for Kayne West – he is a jackass and I won’t ever listen to anything he sings or says.

    “jackatorium” – now that’s just hilarious.

  7. “unjustly” barred from many local businesses.” Reminds me of some of the old Sunshine stories.

  8. johnthebasket says

    The vein throbbing through the three stories: One of the principals was cut off, and the other two should have been, in one way or another.


  9. When Crazy Soccer Mom gets out of the car, you can hear her kid call after her. So perhaps she yells a lot , but getting out of the car was over the top.

    And only mainlanders honk in Hawaii. Locals never do it.

  10. Poor Zheng Gang. He should have tried a Gang Bang.

    Or maybe he went out with a Gang Bang.

    And he looks a lot older than 23. More like 63.

    Kanye should definitely be crowned the King Recipient of the 2014 DICK PUNCH awards.

  11. Wow, Jeff, great job with the triumvirate of stories…you managed to make the whackasaurus the most sympathetic figure of the day. And judging by the mythic proportions of Chinese men, maybe he needed 4 tries to get a standard sized contribution. Just sayin’.

  12. A stadium full of Kanye’ s asshole fans and he’s their leader.

    Maybe the legless guy could have leaned on wheelchair guy?

  13. Was it a fish called wanda? Kevin Kline was a shitty driver and kept yelling “ASSHOLLLLLLLE”?

  14. I think that if a man were in the habit of behaving the way Minnie Van Driver did, he would have gotten his ass kicked a few times.

    Here’s a direct link for those with broken browser embedding:

  15. “Kanye doesn’t care about disabled people.”- George W. Bush
    ” O_o ” – Mike Myers

  16. ‘pigeon-style head-bobs, and rapper-like arm gestures’

    Thanks Jeff, I am dying laughing over this!

  17. johnthebasket says

    I understand the rappa is married to a Kardashian. The greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist. I’m just saying.