It’s The Weekend, And I’m Just Gonna Write This Thing A Little At A Time

genderlessIt’s Saturday afternoon as I type this. Andy (aka Blacklips Houlihan, aka The Snout of Truth) is sleeping on the floor beside me, and I’m listening to a solo album by Martin Carr, a former member of The Boo Radleys. I’m working on yet another cup of coffee, and the chemicals in my brain are mixing favorably at the moment. You know, just to set the scene.

My goals for the weekend: eventually finish this update, send out an email to the list, do some Facebook boolshit, and combine several scattered and half-assed notebooks into one. That last item is a desperate attempt to feel like I’ve got control of something. It’ll be an illusion, of course, but might pacify me for a while.

Yesterday I worked from noon until around 2 am, and slept from 4 to 11. Today and tomorrow, I’m off. And I’m drunk on the freedom.

Speaking of drunk, Toney bought a six-pack of Sierra Nevada Celebration Ale, I see, and it’s chilling in the upstairs fridge. Oh yeah. It’s gotta be one of the best beers in the world, right? We love it. That six-pack will not live to see 8 pm. What are you drinking this weekend?


Yesterday at work I heard someone use a phrase I don’t think I’d heard since high school: trouser trout. “I don’t know what to have for lunch,” Guy 1 said. “I heard you like trouser trout?” answered Guy 2. Heh. The dumbassery of it all makes me laugh. It’s a holdover from another era, from back when guys in velour shirts used to greet each other by saying, “Gettin’ any?” Simpler times.

And that reminds me… When I was in high school there was an older dude who occasionally wore a t-shirt with iron-on letters that spelled SUCK A ROD. The letters weren’t lined up right, and it was clearly made at home, probably while high. I mean, the folks at T-Shirts Plus would never turn out such shoddy work.

But it always amazed me that he was allowed to wear that thing to class, etc. I mean, what the hell?

And there was another guy, named Roni (pronounced roney), who came to school all the time with a shirt featuring two cartoon pigs having sex. Above it were the words MAKIN’ BACON! I found the exact design:


Our kids aren’t allowed to even show up in a shirt without a collar; they have to dress like they’re working for a corporation every day. Suck a rod? Makin’ Bacon?? Those surely violated some kind of dress code, wouldn’t you say? Even during the late ’70s? Yeah, but I suspect it was a case of “Screw it. You gotta pick your battles.”

What astonishing things did people get away with during your schooldays? Tell us about it in the comments.

And I’m going to Sam’s Club now, with Toney. I’ll add more later.

OK, I’m back. Sam’s was pandemonium, and it’s raining outside. I had no idea. It’s weird when you walk out the front door, and it’s nothing like you’d assumed.

Here are a few photos I snapped during our outing:

Crazy, on the move.

Crazy, on the move.

A man wearing sunglasses, staring at cheese.

A man wearing sunglasses, staring at cheese.

Sam's: Home of the health-conscious!

Sam’s: Home of the health-conscious!

What the?! Is that a bite missing?

What the?! Is that a bite missing?

Toney and I are watching Season 2 of MasterChef Junior, and neither of us can stand this pompous little shit. Every time he appears onscreen we both howl in protest. I know he’s only 13, or whatever, but fuck that guy. He’s well on his way to becoming an insufferable bastard, and possibly our future boss.

samuelHeading out to a coffee shop, to get some work done. I don’t like the local Starbucks, because it’s got linoleum floors and metal chairs. It’s not very comfortable, or inviting — almost like a school cafeteria. Oh, they did a horrible job of Starbucking that building. There’s an indie shop downtown that I might check out; it’s newish, and I’ve never been there. But I’ll probably just end up at Panera. They have the best coffee, and there are plenty of corners to disappear into.

Yeah, I ended up at Panera, as predicted. Their coffee is great, and endless. They just hand you a mug, and let you go wild with it.
paneraI’m working on an outline of a novel I might try to write soon. I think the premise is solid, and I get excited whenever I have a chance to work on it. So, that’s what I was doing.

While there, I heard a guy order a sandwich and was adamant: “NO CHEESE!” I have never, in all my life, told anyone to hold the cheese, on anything. I mean, seriously. I don’t even understand such a concept. Cheese makes everything better. I like it when they double-stack it, and it’s so thick it’s an actual, perceptible layer you’ve gotta pass through. Mmmm… cheese.

Now I’m going to make a salad to go with dinner. I don’t know how it happened, exactly, but years ago that became my job. I’m the official salad-maker here at Chez Kay. There’s never even a discussion about it. The roles are pretty well-defined at this point.

Then it’ll be time for some TV with Toney… So, this will probably be the end of this crazy experiment. How’d you like this blogging o’ the weekend? I’m not sure how many people are reading, but let me know if you like it. Maybe I’ll make it a regular or semi-regular thing.

Have a great night, my friends.

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  1. Hey I’m by myself here….

  2. I’m here for you sean. Makin’ rods.

  3. Have been taking advantage of the local store selling Sierra Nevada Celebration 12 packs for $12.99. We went through several of those over the Thanksgiving weekend.

  4. There was a smoking court at my high school. You know…for the convenience of kids that smoked. Try that today anywhere.

    • Same here, it was the yard between buildings. One kid I knew could suck down a Marlboro Red on the short walk between classes.

    • We had a smoking area too. It went in for the 1974 – 75 school year. And as a non-smoking high schooler, I loved it because it made the bathrooms usable.

      • the4thstooge says

        Yep–we also had a dedicated INDOOR smoking area in 1993. The fact that it was indoors and that there were very few 18 year olds made it a very strange time to be a teenager. Not because elementary school/junior high kids were smoking (we were used to that!) but that it was the tail end of the “smoke ’em if you got ’em” era.

      • mostlyNormal says

        We had the smoking area in the mid to late 70s. It wasn’t quite as hard to breathe there as it was in the teacher’s lounge.

  5. The beer of choice here tonight is Czechvar. I’d share, but I’m with the in-laws, so I need it.

    • Another fine beer. I polished off a case of Celebration Ale a couple of weeks ago, yesterday was Bell’s Two Hearted Ale.

      I had to wear a suit to high school.

  6. Celebration Ale is fantastic.
    In first grade a kid named Heath wore a baseball t-shirt (Bad News Bears style) that had an iron on side view picture of a real kid pissing. It was just a shocking stream of piss. Above the kid pissing read, Whiz Kid.


  7. We had a smoking lounge in HS as well. The principal liked it, because he pretty much knew where any trouble would start. It rarely did, because tobacco, I suspect, was not the only thing being smoked out there. Now there’s mayhem in the lunchroom beyond throwing rolls at one another or butter at the ceiling. A simpler time, for sure.

    We broke up with Sam’s for the BJ’s. All joking aside (who doesn’t like a BJ???), the atmosphere is way better. Much less shoving and snotty children. Yep – I’m a bulk store snob.

  8. Here’s the shirt Heath would wear. I remember the cowboy hat. I guess the stream of pee isn’t too shocking. At 7 years old it was…

  9. I went to school when Animal House came out so there were a few classic Food Fights! Going on. Lots of stones, aerosmith and led Sep t shirts, too.

  10. High school in the late 70’s was great. The music stunk as a whole but other than that I had a blast. A girl embroidered a big frowny face with the word SHIT on her shirt but that didn’t fly and she had to go home and change. My 15 yr old daughter dug out my collection of T-shirts and was gonna be retro this year. Now she is afraid they are too risky especially the Bob Seger woman riding a silver bullet. This generation has seen more deviant sex on the internet than I ever had and they can’t wear any clothing beer related !! Shit, a Captain Morgan shirt was a prize in my day.

  11. Rat Bastard says

    We brought non-folding hunting knives, BB guns, and fireworks to ELEMENTARY SCHOOL on a regular basis. Early 80s. Pretty sure that if anyone did that know, there would be jail time for the parents, kids shipped off to some holding tank, etc.

  12. I like it.

    Me and the 6 yr old watch master chef junior. I agree I want to slap that little shit but honestly most of those kids are annoying as shit. Oona? I want to punch her mom in the baby town.

  13. All of the cool “bad boys” in high school carried a Buck knife on their belt. I never once saw anyone take the knife out.

  14. I had to officiate at my daughter’s Sweet 16 party. Needed a few of these to get right.

  15. I’ve turned into “no cheese” guy since I got diagnosed with a dairy allergy a couple of years ago. To say the situation sucks is a vast understatement, especially since the restaurants of the world don’t seem to quite grasp what “dairy” means. Sometimes I just eat the damned cheese and deal with the allergy symptoms.

  16. sunshine_in_va says

    It’s pretty much how I write my journal (at least, when I’m at work). Bitching in dribs and drabs? Go for it. We don’t get enough of you as it is.

  17. I like the live blog weekend idea. I’ve enjoyed getting a slice of life in the greater Scranton area.
    Keep up the great work Jeff. I’m a big fan.

  18. And Jeff, I wholeheartedly approve of the weekend updates. I had gotten out of the habit of checking the site on weekends, but will try to be more diligent in the future.

    That’s “in the future” – not “going forward.”

  19. When you said “I’m going to Sams now. OK I’m back” I laughed out loud. Reminded me of writing letters to my friend and we would do that all the time. Couldn’t afford long distance and she was 20 miles down the road.

  20. Blutothejackman says

    My favorite T-shirt in high school had the words How bout a tall blonde tonight on one side and a picture of a miller highlife bottle on the other. Had a dress code at school so never wore it there.

  21. johnthebasket says

    Impossible to believe that any fan of this site isn’t familiar with this performance, but on a rainy, windy northwest morning this is the eye of the storm so I thought I’d share anyway . . . jtb

  22. I recall those shirts. I remember talking about such things on here before.

    Speaking of the good old days –

    I have recently been watching CHIPS on Me-TV. And I noticed something recently. They now blur out certain things that were apparently ok back in the day. I find that odd. What I am talking about are some of various scenes of T&A that occur throughout the show.

  23. Love the live blog and when you mentioned ol’ black lips hoolihan, I was thinking we were about due for the annual state of the dog update! Last I remember hearing of Sgt. Stinkler he was engaged in combat with the satanic poodle from next door.

    Speaking of santanic poodles – no one likes Samuel. It sounds awful but really no matter how good a chef that kid winds up being, you couldn’t force me to eat at his future restauant. He probably would judge me unfit for entry and wouldn’t allow in anyway – but that’s beside the point.

  24. the4thstooge says

    Oh, I forgot–I’m not normally a fan of punching kids (why waste a punch when a kick’ll do?) but oh, my damn does that kid need his face punched. Hard. Often. With brass knuckles.

    Sigh…why must all “reality” shows have to go the smug jerk route? WHY??!

  25. Minipeds in NOLA says

    Classmates in very strict private Christian school: one wore a puffy winter vest just unzipped enough to show the Spear Britney shirt he was sporting underneath. Another wore intentionally seethru white button up shirts with a Superman shirt underneath. Clever.

  26. crickets……..

  27. I almost forgot! Here is a little something that pertains to the “genderless gingerbread figure” above.