A Few Quick Things, vol. 1

Death-from-ankles-downTomorrow I have to start my two-day Train the Trainer Training. At the end of it, if all goes well, I’ll be certified to issue licenses to forklift drivers. It’s offsite somewhere, and the company is paying an enormous amount of money for it. I’m fairly stressed out, if you want to know the truth. Why me? How am I the choice for this?? Every time I think about it, my sphincter goes wobbly.

Oh, it won’t be a problem doing the training, once I’m certified. That’s not an issue. It’s the maneuvers on a forklift — which I’ve never used — in front of an audience that I dread. I can already hear the snickering, and see the “man, that’s sad” head-shakes.

But, by Thursday afternoon it’ll all be over. And hopefully they’ll let me use this training film in my classes. Klaus! Worst forklift driver ever. The man’s a legend.

I’m having trouble with my back again. I don’t know why this is happening, it’s not like I’m digging ditches or moving credenzas during the day. But I wake up many mornings with my lower back hurting, and also the front of my thighs. It’s weird. And it doesn’t feel like muscle pain, it’s the nerves, or whatever.

Toney suggested I look it up on WebMD, but I refuse. Everything leads to devastating cancer on that site. I’m already paranoid as shit, when it comes to health issues, I don’t need to add fuel to the fire.

When it gets right down to it, I just think we need a new mattress. I don’t think you’re supposed to keep them for decades. I’m almost certain we bought ours in Atlanta, and it was semi-expensive. But we left there in 1996. So, it’s old. Still in good shape, but old. And I believe that’s the source of the problem. Right? Right.

I was in the presence of a salesman (purposely vague) the other day, and he started out by saying, “Good to see you, Jeff! You’ve lost some weight, haven’t you?”

What do you think about that? I know what he was trying to do, I’m not an idiot. But, why bring up my weight at all? WTF? Don’t talk about my body, freak.

But, of course, I let it go. And then he made me confused, all over again. He walked over to me and another guy on a break, and whispered to us, conspiratorially, “Hey, do you guys know why the dinosaurs went extinct?”

We chuckled in anticipation of the punch line, and shook our heads no.

“Because the T. Rex’s arms were too short to beat off with!”

What?! That doesn’t make any sense. There are so many holes in that so-called joke, I don’t even know where to start. And that’s his go-to material? Man, that’s sad. Have you heard any worse “joke” lately? Please share.

I was talking to my brother yesterday, and he told me our cousin has two homosexual men living in his house. One is the adult son of his wife, I think. I’m unclear.

Anyway, our cousin is flipping out, because those two are running up his utility bills. I wasn’t paying close attention to this tale, until he got to the next part… Heh.

He said that one of them can’t “move his bowels” unless he has hot water running over his feet. So, he supposedly sits side-saddle on the toilet, with his feet in the tub, and turns on the water for an hour at a time. This is driving up the electric bill, or whatever.

Have you ever heard of such a thing? I know people who can’t sleep unless there’s a fan running, and one person who has to rub silk between his fingers to fall asleep. And how weird is that? But this shitting ritual is completely new to me. How would you even discover the remedy to the problem? How many other things did he try before the hot water? And what’s the relevance of his homosexuality? It’s all very confusing to me.

I’ve got to go, my friends.

I’ll see you next time.

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  1. The Jenkem King says


    • Lets not start this crap again.
      If your going to do it, leave a relevant comment with regards to the update at least. Otherwise, your just cutting in line.

      • Swami Bologna says

        Since we’re instituting rules here, I say: No posting allowed unless you know how to spell “you’re.”

        • NorCalDude says


          • revashane says

            Hey Swam I know you’ve been here a long time but I think the Grammar Nazi title should go to John the B. He has a way of correcting that doesn’t make you feel bad. Maybe he was just being nice to me???hummmm, the plot thickens.

        • Damn it.

  2. Swami Bologna says

    Wow, two excellent updates, two days in a row!! To what do we owe our good fortune? Reminds me of the good ol’ days.

  3. Swami Bologna says

    And a “Firster” to boot. Very good ol’ days!

  4. Just take it slow and easy on the forklift and you’ll be fine. It’s like driving a car except for the whole forklift part. You just being asked to drive one, not rebuild the hydraulic system.

  5. I can’t look at or hear the word “forklift” without thinking of Klaus.

  6. How did the fellow stumble onto the hot water = poo solution? That’s a story in itself.

    • College prank. It was a variation on the sleeping hand in the bowl of warm water prank. They did his feet and he massively shat the bed, bad Indian food enema style clear out.

  7. This is going to sound like way too much trouble (especially since taking a class is the best way to get started), but if you have lower back pain paired with quad pain, working out with a foam roller might be just the thing. If your quads get too tight (often from sitting a lot), they like to take it out on your back. Loosen up the quads and your back should relax and feel better as well.

  8. ChuckinBelpre says

    There’s a solution to the bowel problem but I’m sure it isn’t politically correct.

    • madz1962 says

      Since when has that stopped this crowd? Spill it chuck.

    • Uncle_Wedgie says

      To help with his bowel problem he might want to try using a spoon. It is recommended by many Translucents.

  9. madz1962 says

    My toilet is across the room from my bathtub so if I had that pronlem I would be
    Shit outta luck. But yeah. Im curious as to how that fellow stumbled upon his remedy.

    Ive known people who do the silk between the fingers thing.

    I just bought new pillows and got rid of some terrible neck pain.

  10. Steve in WV says

    I can speak from experience on the mattress issue, but not the bowel problem. Get a new mattress. My wife and I both had bothersome leg pain and back problems. It finally dawned on us to replace the mattress and once we did (a very firm mattress), a lot of our leg issues and back issues subsided. Now, I only experience back/leg issues when I have been doing a lot of walking, yard work, etc.

  11. Don’t worry about the forklift training. You can drive. You got eyes. You’re good to go.

  12. NorCalDude says

    Mattress. I was skeptical, but we replaced our 20 year old one, and many similar aches went away. Plan on spending a few bucks, and take your time picking one out. Don’t just roll into Sam’s and grab what they have.

  13. The Qweezy Mark says

    Barring an injury, it’s always the mattress. Or cancer.

    • Unless it’s one of those old mattresses that cause cancer. Is it old?

      • johnthebasket says

        Right after “The Burning Bed” (1984), they started making wife-beater mattresses with asbestos, a manufacturing decision that was not without irony. Limey, perhaps you’re not entirely conversant with U.S. federal statutes, but a man can go to the Big House for removing a mattress tag. If Jeff’s mattress is surreptitiously trying to kill him, somebody’s got some splainin’ to do.


  14. Jeff, it sounds like you’ve got sciatica (nerve paint that radiates into the legs as a result of some sort of pinching in the lower vertebrae, I believe). A new bed could help, as well as a reputable chiropractor.

    Is it weird that I’m less interested in how the anal-retentive dude discovered that water on the feet gets his plumbing going and that I’m more curious about why it takes him an hour to do his business? Does it take that long for the warmed blood in his feet to make its way to his torso and induce crapping? Does the running water somehow create an air-freshening effect, like air after a rain storm, and total air purification requires an hour?

    • If it takes him an hour to crap I’d say he was anally retentive to the extreme.

    • nerve *pain*

    • johnthebasket says

      Reputable chiropractors are like great French generals and vegan Republicans: you can find them, but it ain’t that easy.

      I’m not entirely convinced that crowdsourcing the approach to a lower back problem is the most effective strategy. Jeff. I know that’s not what you were doing, but the correspondents care about you, and naturally respond with stuff that’s worked for them.

      Fuck it, I’ll jump in: This might sound radical, but how about seeing your doc and getting an MRI of your lower back? Your insurance likely covers most, if not all, the costs, and a diagnosis doesn’t obligate you to take any action. My lower back collapsed when I was 56, and nine years and three surgeries later I have more titanium than the space station. A precautionary exam when my back started hurting might have helped me avert one or two of the surgeries and a couple of years of pretty bad pain.

      It would be some kind of cosmic irony if Toney had to carry you around on a fork lift, but you’d likely be a hit at parties.

      best of luck,


      • revashane says

        At 51 my back when out. WTF! I’m in great shape and one day at the barn, just shooting the breeze, I shifted my weight and BANG! Jumped in the first MRI I could find and its Bertolotti syndrome. Long story short, too late, I chose Bowen https://thebowentechnique.com/what-is-bowen/what-is-the-bowen-technique/ . I just proof read and deleted a shit load because I got on a soapbox. “Gee, this shit really works” is the most concise statement. God bless ya’ Jeff and good luck. Pain is a bitch.

  15. brown_theo says

    Jeff, your back and quad pain is probably caused by stress. And feet in the tub probably just needs some fiber.

  16. Any time I look anything up on WebMD it comes up as some sort of horrible STD that will make your good dick fall off and force useless dicks to grow all over your back.

    Maybe WebMd is just a portal that shows you what your worst fear is.

  17. Mike the ripper says

    True story. I have a friend who revealed to me that he takes his shirt off and props his feet up on a stool to take a dump! I still laugh about it, but have not tried it yet. He may be on to something…

    • Lew in Bama says

      Squatty Potty…google it.

      • Mike the ripper says

        ‘Using the Squatty Potty during elimination will un-kink your rectum taking your body from a continent mode to an elimination mode. This will speed up the elimination process therefore reducing the risk of toxic build up of fecal matter left in your colon. Using the squatty potty for elimination will reduce straining and decreases the pressure in the anal and rectal veins. The reduction of straining will help to heal and prevent hemorrhoids.”

        I never realized it was so complicated…

      • Skippy in WV says

        Hole. Lee. Shit.

  18. Completed! Two days of Train the Trainer Training, in one day. Almost all of it was classroom stuff — exciting shit like OSHA regulations, etc. I was the only student. I actually paid attention, and aced all the quizzes. The dude was as happy as I am that we did it in a single day. I’m now certified to issue operators’ licenses. I even did OK with the hands-on stuff. Amazing.

  19. Definitely the mattress. We went the Amazon route for one of those foam knock-off Tempurpedics. Delivered to the front door by a grunting UPS dude. Opened it up on the dining room floor and watched it grow like a dried sponge hitting water, then let it lie to off-gas for a couple of days. Nightime heaven.

  20. Klaus is my hero; a god among men.

    I never heard of such a thing regarding shitting. Even if the hot water works, perhaps a change of diet would be more helpful in the medium-to-long term.

    And yes, it’s high time for a new mattress. It sucks that the industry has made it such a crapshoot.

    T. Rex hates pushups.

  21. if it’s lower back and tense thighs, could be cyatic nerve that’s starting to pinch. strech out the calves, the thighs, make sure your feet dont stick off your mattress when you sleep. Also sleep on your back with a pillow under your knees.

    I’ve had this on/off and the above steps fixes me right up.

  22. Bill in WV says

    The bowel guy: Well, if he would stop getting that cannon ball jammed to the back of his cannon, he’d probably not have bowel problems and, therefore, would have no need for hot water on his feet during the process.. Allowing someone to purposely impact your rectum is just asking for trouble.

    • Jerry in WV says

      I have one question……….does he take a massive shit every time he takes a shower? Just wondering.

    • JeffInDenver (InCleveland) says

      Rectum? Damn near kilt’em…

      • I thought about posting that, but then thought better of it.

        I wonder how many rectums (recta?) it takes to screw in a lightbulb. This is comedy gold on the back burner.

  23. Skippy in WV says

    Why doesn’t he use a foot spa?